OAR #44




OAR #44: What Openness Means to Me

For me, openness means stability.

We have a very open adoption with Gus's birth family. His entire birth family knows that he's adopted and they all look forward to hearing about him. They enjoy pictures, texts, videos, and Facebook posts. More than anything else, they enjoy visits and getting time with him.

As Gus has gotten older, the visits have become more fun because he likes to play and interact with his birth family. I love how open our relationship is because for me, I think about the future. 

I think about what Gus will ask about his adoption, and I wonder what he will need from us and his birth parents. By having an open adoption, I feel like we can provide him with answers and some stability. 

The answers are essential to his development and his well-being. I want him to always know that his birth parents love him and made the decision to place him into our arms because they knew what was best for him. It'll be different to have it come from us than to have his birth parents tell him directly. It'll also be different to have us say, "C and H love you so much" versus him hearing it directly from C and H.

When I think about openness, I am overwhelmed with a sense of peace and calm. It's reassuring to know that our children's birth families will always be there in some way.

With Hugh, his birth father is unknown and will never be part of his life. While part of me worries about how this will affect him, I know that the relationship we have with his birth mom MORE than makes up for this. She is amazing.

I know that there will be questions that Hugh has that Gus won't ever have to ask. When it's time to talk to Hugh about his adoption and the reason his birth mother placed him into our family, she will be right there with us. She's such an important part of our family and an amazing piece to the puzzle.

Because we have open adoptions with each of our boys, I feel like I have tools to help provide stability beyond what my husband and I can provide. When things go beyond our ability to help and answer, we have the most important and critical people there to help guide us.

Open adoption is so amazing for so many reasons. I'm proud to be an adoptive mom and to have created my family through adoption. Because of adoption we have so many people in our lives that love our kids and love us. We are so incredibly blessed!

Open Adoption Roundtable #43

OAR #43: How did you talk to your extended family about open adoption prior to adopting/placing? How did they respond? For those with non-receptive family members, were you able to have more successful discussions with them post-adoption?

I'm very fortunate that when Steve and I decided to pursue adoption, we had the full support of both of our families. I think they all just wanted us to be happy and wanted to see us with the child that we so longed for.

Once Gus came into our lives, everyone was overjoyed, but also very cautious about our adoption situation. With having a 30 day revocation period, AND complications with our son's birth family (extended family), not only were we super stressed, but our families were worried for us. They didn't want to see us heartbroken, and were very afraid that our dream would be turned into a nightmare, and they wouldn't be able to do anything to help us.

After we had passed the revocation period and we were finally able to return home with Gus, things died down a bit. We were in another state, 12 hours from our son's birth family, and it was more like "out of sight, out of mind" for our families.

However, when we returned back to MI/IN for the first time with Gus, we met some resistance when we planned our first meeting (post-adoption) with Gus's birth family. My parents didn't understand why we felt like we needed to see them (the birth family) every single time we were back in MI.

It was hard to explain, and at times, it STILL is hard to explain. While both sets of parents still support us, I don't know if they fully understand and support our feelings about open adoption.

The good news is that we're the ones that get to decide how we progress with our open adoption. We set the rules and we determine the level of openness that we have. 

We love each set of birth families in different ways. We have connections with them in different ways, and each have a piece of our heart and a HUGE piece of who our boys are. We feel they're as important to our children as our parents/extended families are.

I think as we move forward with open adoption, it gets a little bit better. We look forward to the visits that we have with each side of our family, and we view Gus's birth family and Hugh's birth family as additions to our family. We're all one unit and we're proud of the relationships that we're helping to form.

The bottom line is that we do what we do for the betterment of our children. It's not always easy, but it's what's best for them. Sometimes, our families don't understand that completely, but that's okay with us. They don't have to get it... they just have to support our decisions. And fortunately for us, they do and we're so lucky because of that!

        

Open Adoption Roundtable #37

 

OAR #37: How Do You Feel After A Visit?

I have to say that when we first started our open adoption, I was so nervous to have our first visit with Gus's birth mother's family and his birth father's family (we did separate visits when we first visited). Each of the first visits went extremely well and everyone seemed to be in love with Gus. 

We decided that it's a lot to try to visit my side of our family AND separately visit Gus's side of our family. Since his birth mother and father are still together, we decided to ask if it would be possible to meet all of them in one visit, instead of breaking it up into two separate visits. We were delighted when they all agreed that a gathering for the day would work.

Our first visit with everyone was in August of 2011. Gus was just over a year and we decided to celebrate his birthday too. His Great Aunt and Uncle offered their island house for us to use, and everyone gathered at their place. It was amazing.

We walked away from that first united visit and we were elated. We are going back to MI next month and we'll be celebrating his 2nd birthday with everyone again. I'm expecting a great visit and I can't wait for his entire birth family to see how much he's grown since August! 

After each visit with his birth family, I am so overjoyed. I feel like God placed us all together for a reason and I see them as an extension of my family. They're all wonderful, and I feel like we're as close to them as some of our own biological family members. I love seeing them with Gus, and I love that I have pictures of them all together. These are memories that he probably won't remember, but I want him to never not know them. They're who he is, and are as essential as we are in his life.

I always say a prayer of thanks after we see them and hope that the next visit will come soon.

Open Adoption Roundtable #36

 

Open Adoption Roundtable #36: Open Adoption Agreements

Write about open adoption agreements- is there one in your open adoption? What effect does it have on your relationships? If you could go back in time, would you approach the agreement differently?

We don't have an agreement. We had started our adoption journey with an agency in NC and then were matched with a family member of a co-worker of a family member situation (My cousin's co-worker's niece is our birth mom), and our agency refused to work with us because it was an out of state adoption. We ended up using an attorney.

Going from the agency to an attorney was a weird change. We went from having all these rules imposed upon us (all contact had to go through the agency first) to being free to do whatever we wanted. It was liberating and wonderful. Fortunately, we're honest people and had wanted nothing but the most for our son. Being connected through a family tie also strengthened our bond with our birth family.

There's a mutual respect on all sides and we all have an agreement that we'll do what's best for Gus. I enjoy being able to text, email, and Facebook his birth family and keep them updated on our lives. I love that his biological cousin and great aunt came through Atlanta on their way to Florida and stopped in to see us and stayed the night here (this is the co-worker of my cousin). I love that when we go to MI to see family, Gus's side of our family is just as important as my side is. 

I like not having an agreement, but it works for our situation. When we adopt again, who knows if we'll be as fortunate as we have been with Gus. Depending on the situation, an agreement can be useful and can ensure that everyone has their needs met. 

In open adoption, all adoptive families have an obligation to keep the birth family aware of what the child is doing. If you don't want to keep the birth family aware with pictures, videos, phone calls, and/or visits... you shouldn't have an open adoption. 

All expectations should be laid out prior to any baby being born, and everyone should be honest about what they want. If you're not comfortable "sharing" your child with their birth family, you have no reason to have an open adoption. Have a semi-open adoption... but the word open means just that... OPEN. Open to communication, open to expanding your family, and open to letting your child know everyone that loves them. If you're not willing to do that, you shouldn't have an open adoption. 

For the record, in my OWN opinion, there's almost never a reason for a closed adoption. I think there are some circumstances were for safety purposes, it's required, but even then, at some point, that child is going to want to know about their history. As a parent, it's your obligation to make sure they know where they come from. For me, semi-open or open adoptions are the only way to go.

Open Adoption Roundtable #35: Grandparents

 

OAR #35: The influence of, relationships with, and experiences of grandparents in open adoptions

I feel so fortunate that we have such an open adoption with Gus's side of our family. Gus and I were both born in Michigan, and our sides to our family live there (with the exception of my older brother... he lives in Arizona).

Steve's side lives in Indiana and Ohio. When we travel north for vacation, we are able to see all three sides of our family, and it's always been a high priority for us to make sure that anyone who wants to see Gus, gets to see him.

 

Grandpa and Grandma Walker with Gus

Because we live in the South, we don't see any of our family on a regular basis. We do see Steve's dad and Sue Ann more frequently, but it's because his dad is retired and doesn't have to worry about taking off work. Even with that, we only see them every couple of months or so. It's not what I'd call frequent.

We wanted an open adoption because we wanted to make sure that ALL members of the biological family have the ability to be part of Gus's life. We wanted to make sure that his birth parents were involved, but their parents, their siblings, and other family members are equally important to us.

Gus has his Gram and Pap (my parents), his Grandpa and Grandma Walker (Steve's dad and step-mom), and then Grammy and Grampy (birth mom's parents), Grandma and Grandpa S. (birth father's parents), and even has a great-grandma Marge (his birth mom's grandma)!! We're so lucky that not only does he have all these people who love him, but they are ACTIVE in his life!

Gus's great-grandma Marge sends him cards, gifts, books, and posts on his Facebook wall. She has been extremely supportive from the very start. We had just come home from the hospital with Gus (he was maybe two days old), and his Great Grandma Marge sent us THE NICEST email welcoming us into her life, telling us that she supported us completely, and she wanted us to know that if we needed anything, to just let her know. It was the more amazing way to start off our journey with open adoption.

 

Gus and his Great Grandma Marge :-)

Gus's Grampy sends me texts numerous times a week asking about Gus. If I send out a group text with pictures of Gus, he ALWAYS replies. ALWAYS. He reads Gus's blog and subscribes to our family website. He asks about Gus, sends me pictures of Gus's birth mom when she was just a baby and young girl, and has sent pictures of himself from when he was young. He is very open with us and REALLY cares about Gus. It's incredible.

 

Gus with Grammy and Grampy

Gus's Grammy also sends emails to Gus (I created an account just for family to send him emails-- he'll get to have them when he's older). She sends cards, gifts, and always replies to texts and pictures posted on Facebook. She also follows his blog and subscribes to our family website. I know that she loves him deeply and always looks forward to seeing him when we head north.

On his birth father's side, his aunts (birth father's sisters) are VERY involved, and so his his Grandma S. His Grandpa S. doesn't have my cell and I don't have his, so we don't share pics and texts with him... and he's not on Facebook. That being said, I'm sure his wife shares info with him. They are all very supportive and LOVE seeing pictures, texts, and Facebook updates.

 

Gus and Grandpa S.

 

Gus and Grandma S.

I think because we lived with my mom and dad for a month when Gus was just a baby, my parents have a special attachment to Gus. They absolutely adore him and think he's so amazing. I'm also their only daughter, so seeing me as a mom, after knowing all the pain we went through with infertility, has an added specialness to our situation. They have always been, and continue to be, very supportive.

 

Gram and Gus (my mom)

 

My favorite picture... <3  Gus and Pap (my dad)

Steve's dad and Sue Ann are also amazing. Gus is their first grandson and they LOVE to spoil him. Seriously. We love seeing them with him and we know how much joy he brings to their lives. 

I try to send pictures of Gus to all sides of our family at least once a week. I don't always hear back from anyone (other than Grampy), but I still put them out there. Until someone tells me to stop, I figure it's the least I can do.

I honestly think that because we're in a different state, all three sides of our family know that they see Gus equally. No one sees him more than anyone else, and all have an equal importance in our family. I think this helps everyone. If we lived closer and cut one side off, I could see how it'd be really upsetting, but since we don't, everyone celebrates all opportunities to see Gus.

We are so very fortunate to have the open adoption that we have. I believe it was all mapped out by God and has come together exactly as He wanted. We are just hoping that when it's time to adopt baby Walker #2, we can find a situation just as amazing as our first.

Open Adoption Roundtable #34

 

Open Adoption Roundtable #34-  How do you handle questions about your child's adoption details when they are asked of you? How would you want the other parties in your open adoption to handle those questions when they are about you?

What a question! I've found that I close off what I share with certain people. I don't just announce to everyone that I meet that Gus is adopted. It's got nothing to do with being ashamed or embarrassed about it, it's a matter of it not really being anyone's business.

It's super hard with joining mommy groups where 99% of the moms have biological children. Most assume that your child is also biological (especially since Gus is Caucasian and resembles me a bit). It's when they start asking questions about pregnancy, labor, or delivery, nursing, that kind of stuff that somehow I get put into the position of whether or not I share that he's adopted.

At first, I would just openly say it... but now I don't. I don't share with "just anyone" and have only told a few people that I'd consider to be friends.

When people ask me to share his story with them, they almost always ask why his birthmom "give him up." Those three words irk me more than anything. She didn't "give him up" or "give him away." I ALWAYS take the time to educate and share that there's appropriate adoption language and the proper phrase would be, "placed him for adoption." 

Since I don't really know the full ins and outs of her decision, I can't even begin to know the depth behind the decision to place him in our arms. I also don't think it's my place to share her story with anyone but our son.

I usually say that she and Gus's birth father knew that they couldn't give him the life that they wanted him to have, so they made the sacrifice to place him into our family. I try to be as honest and to the point as possible, without giving any additional information.

For the most part, I think people are just curious to hear about adoption. The media has done such a fine job of misrepresenting adoption and plants false info into the minds of the unaware. People think that even years after a child has been placed in a family, and the adoption has been finalized, that birth mothers can just walk back into the picture and take their baby back. Too many Lifetime movies... but people don't know any better and the assume that it's true.

Adoption isn't something to be ashamed of, or embarrassed about. The more open dialogue about it, the more the inaccuracies and false stories will be cleared up. The only way to share the positives is to openly talk about it with others... and sometimes you have to go into the uncomfortable places deep inside to do that. 

When someone is honestly, genuinely asking about Gus's adoption, I have no problem talking with them about it. It's the nosey, busy-bodies that I don't divulge information to.

I'd hope that our son's birth mother would be honest with others about our adoption. I'd hope she'd be proud to say that she's a birth mother and that she made her choice to place him out of love. 

Open Adoption Roundtable #33

 

Open Adoption Roundtable #33- What did you learn about open adoption in 2011?

What a great question! It's funny to think back to a year ago and how vastly different my thoughts were then compared to now.

A year ago we had not yet had our first post-adoption meeting with Gus's birth family. We saw his side of our family at his Baptism in May, and then that was it. We were able to head back to North Carolina in July and then we didn't go anywhere (except for Indiana for a surprise birthday party in September) for the rest of the year. When it finally came time to head back north, it was February and Gus was nine months old.

I had fears before our first post-adoption meeting. I was so nervous about having Gus's birth family judge me and think that I wasn't a good mom for him. I was afraid they'd look at us and think, "Why did we pick these two yahoos?" It didn't cross my mind that maybe they were as nervous, if not more, to see us.

My parents came with us to the first meeting with Gus's birth father and his family. I had not met H's sisters yet and I was still really cautious about seeing L again. In December as I was trying to organize our trip, she was less than helpful about helping me pick a day for them to see Gus. When she said she wanted to see him on a Thursday night (at 5pm) she was upset when I told her that we had 6:30 dinner plans and that Gus goes to bed at 7:30. She asked if they could have more time in the future and it set me off.

Looking back, I can totally see her point and why she was upset, but at the time I thought she was being irrational and being that I had a nasty taste still in my mouth from our dealings with her in May and June, I wasn't happy at all.

Our meeting went better than expected. Everyone was so happy to see Gus and it was the first time that I honestly felt like open adoption really could work with our situation. H wasn't super interested in seeing Gus, but his sisters were and I was excited for them to hold and play with their nephew. L was overjoyed with seeing him and I think it meant a lot for her to get some time to just be his grandma and enjoy his company.

The meeting with C and her family was easy-- they've always been very open with us and it was exciting to meet her dad T, and her brothers Z and N. While C's brothers weren't overly involved with Gus during their visit, C had a ball with him and so did her parents. It was fun for Steve and I to watch them have fun with Gus.

It was after this first meeting in February that I realized that open adoption is what you make it. As the adoptive mother, I have an obligation to make sure that Gus knows where he comes from, who loves him, and why he was placed into our family. He will always know his roots and I'm so thankful that his side of our family is as open and willing to work with us as we're willing to work with them. It takes both sides working together for open adoption to be successful.

When we went back to MI in April for his finalization, his birth mom and her mom went to court with us (along with my mom and dad). It was so special that they were there to help us celebrate the beginning of our family and for their support. We got to meet Gus's great-grandma Marge... and it was so amazing to take pictures of Gus with his birth mom, her mom, and her grandma. :-)

The last visit north was in August and it was the best one yet. We spent the day together at an island cottage and both sides were there together to celebrate Gus's birthday. We spent the day together, went to the park and his birth parents played with him, and then later had a birthday cake for Gus's 1st birthday. His birth mom held him on her lap while he blew out his candle and then he sat with her while he ate his cake. It was so special for everyone.

If you would have asked me a year ago, if I thought our relationship with his side of our family would be what it is, I would have said no. I didn't think it was possible... but I was also basing my opinions on the way L acted in May and June. She was upset and scared and lashed out and I'm just thankful that we were all able to get past that.

Our open adoption is always evolving and growing, and hopefully a year from now I can share even more wonderful stories about how great things are. I do know that I have vowed to keep them apart of our family as much as possible and I include them in things as if we all shared the same blood. It'll be their choice to remain active in our lives or not, but I pray we keep the momentum going and our relationship continues to grow and blossom!

Open Adoption Roundtable #32

 

Open Adoption Roundtable #32: Share a holiday memory that involves open adoption

Unfortunately, we live in a different state than all of our family (husband's side of our family, my side of our family, and our son's side of our family). So we end up spending a lot of holidays alone, or with family a day or two after the holiday. Since our son is only 19 months old, we have only had one holiday before this current one, with him in our lives.

While we're not able to physically be together with his side of our family, we do send them gifts that we make from our son. Last year we made ornaments with our son's hand print and sent them to his birth mom's family and his birth father's family. We also sent a lot of pictures for them to have for Christmas.

This year, we got his birth mom a very special gift (can't reveal) that we hope she loves as much as we do. We'll be sending that to her, along with a very special picture that our son made for her and for his birth father as well. 

It's my hope that sometime in the future, we'll be able to celebrate more holidays with family (all sides). We were able to celebrate our son's first birthday with everyone. We had a celebration in NC with my parents and my husband's parents and friends, and then a few months later, when we were in MI seeing family, we celebrated again. We had a great time celebrating with Gus's birth family (both sides came together for the day to celebrate).

We're very blessed to have such an amazing open adoption!!

Open Adoption Roundtable #30

Do you remember the first time you heard about open adoption?

The first time I had heard about open adoption was when we started looking into adoption. The agency that we started out with supported closed, semi-open, and open adoptions. I had to look at what it would mean for all three and how they'd work or not work for us. 

We were pretty certain that we didn't want a closed adoption, but we weren't sure about the difference between semi-open and open. It wasn't until we were driving to our over-night workshop that I was convinced that open was the only way to go for us. 

I remember the conversation vividly and the emotion that followed. We were driving to Matthews, NC and were on one of the many back roads that we drove to get there. It was three-hours each way, so there was plenty of time to talk about everything imaginable. 

The deciding factor for wanting an open (versus closed or semi-open) was my own family. I thought about my niece Lily, who at the time was only a few months old. I had only met her once and fell in love the second I saw her. Steve and I are her God Parents and have a strong love and connection with her.

She's my twin brother's first child and that alone makes her so very special to me. My brother is not married to Lily's mother, they're engaged and we all consider Christie to be family, and for what I believe, she's family and has been for a long time. BUT the bottom line is that they're not married and there's nothing legally connecting them.

So at the same time that we were starting on our adoption journey, I had an epiphany where I saw things from the birth family's perspective. Not necessarily the birth parents, but their siblings, parents, aunts, uncles, cousins, and grandparents. And what I realized was if we had anything but an open adoption, all those people not directly involved, would miss out on the chance to know our baby.

The thought of my brother and Christie breaking up, and her taking the kids, and me never seeing my niece ever again made me so upset. It was that thought-process that helped guide me to the conclusion that we don't have the right to take our adopted child's family out of the picture. We said that even if the birth parents didn't want a close relationship with our baby, we wanted to leave it up to their extended family to decide to have a relationship with our child or not.

Thankfully, Gus's entire birth family (on both sides) love him, are very involved with him, and feel like an extension of our own family.

Open Adoption Roundtable #31

 

Write About Open Adoption and Being Scared

 

Gus and our two angels

I think being scared is something that happens throughout life as a family touched by adoption. From the moment we got the call that matched us with Gus's birth family, we became scared of many different things. We were scared that our dream of becoming parents and a family would crumble before our eyes and not happen. We were scared that our son's birth mother would not like us once she met us in person. We were scared that she would not be able to let go and decide to parent.

 

Gus and his birth father

 

Gus and his birth mother

Once we left the hospital and had him in our custody, we were scared that once we had him, what on Earth were we going to do with him?? Parenthood is scary!! We didn't know if we'd be able to handle it being away from home and living in a hotel. We were scared that we'd mess up and do something that would hurt Gus.

I look back at things I did during those first few hours with him and I shake my head. "WHAT WAS I THINKING?!?!?!?!" I ask myself!! You live and you learn I suppose.

Once we were FINALLY able to leave MI and head home to NC with Gus, I became scared that I was a bad mom. Was I giving him everything he needed? I questioned everything I did and was so uncertain. It's the one job that no one gives you feedback and you can't see results until your child is grown. 

Then it was time to head back to MI, and we were going to be meeting up with both sides of Gus's birth family while there. Trying to coordinate times and places and make sure that everyone was happy was a nightmare. I was beyond stressed and oh so very nervous and scared about seeing his side of our family. Would they try to take him back (crazy thoughts)? Would they judge me and think I was a terrible mother and he'd be better off with them? Would his birth parents regret their decision to place him with us?

 

Gus and his aunts (birth father's sisters)

 

Gus's paternal side of our family

 

Gus and his Grampy (birth mom's father)

 

Playing with his birth mom

 

The maternal side of Gus's birth family

 

Gus with his Grampy and Grammy

The trip north couldn't have gone any better and our fears and doubts were quickly diminished. It was during this visit that I had my first moment of selfishness. I admitted to Steve that I HATED having to share Gus with other people. While there's a HUGE side of me (90%) that absolutely LOVES our open adoption, there's a part of me that's still grieving the loss of being able to get pregnant and have a child with my DNA and one that I don't have to share. For the rest of our lives as a family, adoption is something that will always be in our family... it's usually not something I think about, but when I do, it's that 10% that pops up and gets upset and bitter, and a bit selfish.

We got the call that we were ready to finalize in April, so we headed back to MI for our unexpected trip. We thought we could finalize through the mail and didn't have to appear in court, but we were misinformed. So, we drove up on a Thursday night and left on Sunday morning. It was a quick trip, but so worth the 24 hour round-trip in the car.

We finalized on April 15 and asked Gus's birth mom and her mom if they'd like to join us. To our amazement, they came and made our day so very special. After court, we went to lunch as a family and got to meet Gus's Great-Grandma! She lives in the Upper Peninsula of MI and was down for a visit... the timing was perfect because she got to meet her first Great Grandchild.

 

Gus's Adoption Day with his birth mom and Grammy

 

All of us together for the support of Gus

 

It's official!!

 

Gus with his Great-Grandma, Grammy, and birth mom

We were hoping to go to MI for Gus's first birthday (May 11th, 2011), but with the unexpected trip in April, we decided to push the trip back to July. That ended up getting pushed back to the end of August. We were able to have both sides of Gus's family come together for a day to celebrate Gus's birthday and to hang out. Gus's Great-Aunt Sharon offered her island cottage for the location and we had a wonderful day together.

 

Swinging with his birth parents

 

Grandpa, Gus, and his birth father

 

While at the cottage, we got to meet Gus's Great Grandma on his dad's side. This is Gus, his birth father, his Grandma, and his Great-Grandma!

 

Birth father, Gus, Grandma holding him, and birth mom

 

We celebrated Gus's first birthday together and Gus sat in his birth mom's lap while we sang to him and watched him blow out his candle

 

Chillin' with his birth mom

Now that we've had a lot of time with his birth family, they're like just another extension of our family. We genuinely care about them and stay in frequent contact with them. I send pictures and videos via text quite often, and they always reply back with thank yous and cute comments.

I guess what I'm scared of now is how to tell Gus about his adoption. I want it to be something that he just always knows about. It's not something that I want to force down his throat, but I also want him to continue to know how much his entire birth family loves him. 

I think I'll continue to keep open lines of communication with his birth family and just keep them as part of our daily conversations and pictures. It's as important that he know who they are, as it is for him to know my side of our family and my husband's side of our family. Together we all complete him and make him the Gus that he is.