To Teach or Not To Teach? That IS the Question!!!

When I was little, I used to line up my stuffed animals and play school. I always loved acting like I was a teacher and it was always something that I wanted to do with my life. I had two three things I always wanted to be. 1) A mother  2) A teacher  3) A National Park Ranger (I blame my parents for that one-- vacations each summer and seeing our National Parks... it was awesome).

I did what my heart told me to do, and I went to school to become a teacher. I studied hard and graduated with high honors from both my undergraduate studies and both of my Master's programs. I enjoyed teaching elementary school and my students filled my life with so much joy.

I devoted an insane amount of time (and money) into my job vocation. I spent every Tuesday night staying late (like getting home after 8pm) so I could plan out my next week and get everything organized for the upcoming week. I emailed parents, I had a weekly newsletter that I worked really hard to make as informative and enjoyable for the parents, and I made sure to keep my classroom current and engaging.

When we moved from MI to NC it was a bit of a shock to go from traditional calendar to year-round. I finished teaching 5th graders on June 9th, 2007 and started teaching year round on July 7th, 20007. So much for a long summer vacation!

Teaching in the year-round school system had a lot of positives, but as a teacher, I had to move classrooms every six months. I mean tear everything down completely, pack every single thing up, and move my stuff to another room. This was the worst thing about teaching in a year-round school.

As a result, I never felt "at home" and never had the feeling of being comfortable. I had many teaching things that I left at home because it was too much trouble to move them every six months.

So when Gus came into our lives, I took a dramatic leave from teaching. I had not decided if I would be staying home with him or not, and I thought I had time to decide. I was tracked out (on vacation) when Gus happened, and so all my stuff was being stored in another person's classroom. I didn't know I wouldn't be returning to get my things (I had to stay in MI with Gus for two months... as a result, Steve had to go and pack up my classroom and bring ALL of my stuff home).

Because I never got to pack up my things myself, I don't know where a lot of my stuff went. I'm missing things that I'm pretty sure got left behind and will never be found again. 

When I couldn't come back to NC to start the next school year, my principal had no other choice but to ask me to terminate my employment so that she could hire someone in my place. The decision to leave the classroom happened without much consideration because I didn't have a choice. I HAD to stay in MI with Gus, and the school year started before I could come back.

Since my first few months of staying home, I've come to seriously love being a SAHM (Stay-At-Home-Mom). Mainly, because of my involvement with my MOMS Club chapter. I have made some awesome friends, and Gus has friends to play with too. We have many events each week to attend and we're very busy, engaged, and happy.

So when the boys are both in school... what will I do? Do I go back to teaching? I am so torn about this decision. Steve says it's an easy YES. We're paying student loans for grad school and he wants me to have a job that pays me for my education. I get that. 

I also know that I want to be happy.

I was a different teacher before being a mom, than I would be if I go back to the classroom. I don't see kids as just kids, they're SOMEONE'S Gus/Hugh. That's someone's sweetness, someone's pride and joy. I never got that before becoming a mom. And trust me, I would have rolled my eyes and said, "You don't teach differently if you've got kids than if you don't." But now that I'm a mom, I know with 100% confidence, I would most certainly teach differently BECAUSE I am a mom.

 

I was never a big fan of standardized testing. When I taught in MI it wasn't a big deal and my kids took the MEAP (Michigan Education Assessment Plan) every October and it was important, but it wasn't everything. When I moved to NC, the EOGs (End of Grade tests) were NO JOKE. Teacher's received bonus money (ABC money it was called... and while my school earned ABC money we never got it because the state froze the system and never paid the teachers their bonus money). Parents were SO crazy about EOG prep... I had EOG clinics that I offered for weeks (yes, weeks... like two months) before the actual tests, so the kids could prepare. Everyone was fanatical about the importance of the EOG scores and what it meant for the reputation of the school. Talk about high pressure.

Part of me does NOT miss the stress that comes with being a teacher. Not only dealing with 25-30 kids and their needs, making sure each IEP was being followed and everyone was challenged and achieving, but also the parents and making sure that everyone was happy, and then dealing with fellow teachers (who never seemed to have the same passion and drive that I had, which always led to frustration and bitterness), and administration. It was a constant array of stress and never enough time, and feeling like you never did a good enough job. I don't miss that.

But, the truth is, I DO miss teaching. Especially after being on Pinterest and seeing so many GREAT ideas and thinking about how to incorporate them into my classroom (yes, the classroom that I don't have). I still get excited for back to school time... and I'm not teaching. 

When I took Gus into the schools to be tested for hearing and then for his Fulton County Schools testing and his IEP meeting, I was in three different elementary schools. Each one was different, but each had that same smell that you find in an elementary school. It's comforting and familiar, and made me miss teaching. Seriously miss it.

I want to do something useful with my life. I want to feel passionate about what I do for a living and I don't know if going back to the classroom is where I'm being called to go. Obviously, I have five years to figure it all out, but I can't help but wonder where I'll be five years from now. Will I be gearing up for going back to the classroom? It'll be eight years out of the classroom... almost the same amount of time I spent in the classroom. 

Right now, there's Common Core and I know NOTHING about it. I left in June of 2010 and it came out August of 2010. It's everywhere and I know nothing about it and I'm sure would be asked a lot about it in an interview. 

Obviously, I could and would do some research about it, or whatever the latest thing is... but do I REALLY want to deal with all that?


NO.


And YES.


The thing that really gets me excited... is adoption. I feel so much passion about adoption and sharing what I know with others. I'd love to work with an adoption agency, or even make profile books for hopeful adoptive parents. I'd love to teach others about my adoption experiences and share what I know and love. 


We'll see. I'll keep praying about it. I just know that right now... tonight, I MISS teaching. I miss having a classroom and I miss being Mrs. Walker to 25-30 kiddos who will forever have me in their memories as their teacher for a year. 


SIGH

But more than anything, I am delighted that I have five years before I have to think about this stuff. I have five years to enjoy being home with not an ounce of stress, other than mom-related stress. I love being a mom and staying home with my boys. 

In an ideal world, I'd be a SAHM even once they go to school. I'd love to be here when they come home from school, or be there to pick them up from school (and be able to avoid the dreaded bus). I'd love to be able to go on field trips, volunteer at school and give my time to their classrooms, and just be super present in their lives. They'll need me here even more when they're in middle school and high school. When they're in college, maybe that's when I'll go back to work.

Sounds good to me. Now I need to work on Steve and see if he'll go for that.  ;-)

A New Road?

I'm in absolutely NO rush to get back to work, not by any stretch. However, the more I think about returning to work (eventually?), the more I contemplate returning to the classroom.

It's a really weird place for me, because I've always wanted to be a teacher. From the time I was little and in school, I knew that teaching was what I was called to do. I never had any doubt about my future and when I went to school, I got my degree in elementary education. I went to grad school twice and got two Master's Degrees in education. 

I taught for ten years and they were great. I learned something new each year and found myself really getting better as I matured into a "master" teacher. When I was named my school's Teacher of the Year in 2010, it was followed by being named a semi-finalist as county TOY and then I was named a Scholastic Book Clubs Teacher Advisor. I literally went out on a total high. The best came at the end, just months before Gus entered my life.

When I decided to stay home and not return to the classroom, the decision was difficult, but God made it easy for me. My school year was starting at the beginning on July and I was still not able to leave MI with Gus due to ICPC (Interstate Compact for the Protection of Children) clearance not being granted yet. Without any other choice, I had to resign because I wasn't there to start the school year and didn't know when I'd be back to NC.

Now that I've been home with Gus for 2.5 years, I don't miss the classroom. I don't miss a lot of the things that come with being a teacher, and if I'm being honest with myself, should I ever return, I don't think my heart will be in it the same as before Gus.

So it leads me to wonder, if not teaching, then what?? 

I can't see myself doing anything that I'm not passionate about. Which leads me to think about what I am passionate about. Teaching is in my nature, and the desire to teach others will always be part of who I am. So is there something that I can do, that will allow me to teach others, and still be something that I'm passionate about?

My conclusion is one that I think is pretty awesome, but makes me question it at the same time. 

I am passionate about adoption.

I need to figure out how I'd take my desire to help others with adoption and use it for a career. Ideally, I'd love to work for an adoption agency. Maybe not as a counselor, since I don't have the social work background and don't want to go back to school, but maybe something else? I don't know.

I've thought about helping adoptive parents create their profile books. I've seen a few different companies that offer their services and after looking at their stuff, I've said to myself, "I could totally make that myself." I've even started working on a profile book for our second adoption, but I didn't want to put too much effort into it since I don't know how or when it'd be necessary. If we use an agency, they often have specific requirements. And with Gus's adoption, we made a book and it never even went to use.

So... I'm not in any rush to return to work, but I'd love to have some guidance about how I'd pursue working in the adoption world. I just want to help others and I'd love to have a job that I get paid to do it, but it's something that I love doing. That's how I always felt about teaching.

Any suggestions???

A Year of Gratitude #102

 

A Year of Gratitude #101: 23 Months of Stress-Free Living

Stress-free??? Really??

ABSOLUTELY! When I tracked out in April of 2010, I had no idea how quickly my life would be changing. From the time that we were put on the official waiting list for our agency to the time we were matched was 33 days. That's it.

When we made the drive on May 10th, 2010 to meet Gus and his amazing birth family, we had no idea what we were in for, and how much our lives would be changing. I guess no one really knows how much a baby changes things until you've become a parent. 

Prior to my track out, I was stressed about so many things. Being April, I had to move my ENTIRE classroom into Laura's room (Laura was my track mate). I was so fortunate to have parents in my class who were willing to let their children stay to help me move, but also I had several who always came and helped me. Unless you've been through it, you cannot fathom how incredibly stressful it is to move EVERY THING out of your classroom and into another person's room. While track out is a glorious time (it's your vacation), when I had to move out of my room caused me the most stress (I had to move out of my classroom twice each year).

The one thing that I HATED most about year-round schools was that I had to move out of my classroom twice a year. With the amount of stuff that I have... it was always a nightmare.

Anyway, I moved all my stuff into Laura's room and left it for two weeks. The plan was to come into work that last week of vacation (because, yes, I was on vacation, but I was required so many work days... and people think teachers lounge on their vacations!). We found out about Gus during my second week and the beginning of my third week of track out (the week that I was to go in and work), was the week that he was born. The Monday of my last week of vacation (Monday, May 10th), I tried to meet with my principal so I could tell her face-to-face that we had a match and a baby was coming at the end of the month. She was too busy to meet with me.

I had lunch with friends (little did I know that it would be my very last lunch with the girls... childless), and then got my nails done, and headed to Durham to meet Steve for a baseball game. When the call came at 5:45 that C was in labor... our world flipped upside down and hasn't been the same for 23 months!!

There were two months of stress right after Gus was born. The not knowing if he'd be our baby or not was gut-wrenching. I cried and cried from being so scared that we'd be told that his birth mom and father had changed their minds. H's mom refused to sign papers (he was a minor) and because he filled out paperwork incorrectly, our attorney had to check with two different Native American tribes to check and see if H was registered (if he was, the tribe would have to give permission for the adoption, and could decide to allow someone in the tribe to raise Gus). It was so very scary.

Then Steve had to leave and head back to NC and it was terrible. To be in a hotel alone with Gus... it was not good and mentally, I was not in a good place. There are so many things I regret about Gus's first two months of life... I WISH I could go back in time and relive it. All I wanted was to go home... and I just wanted to know that he was my son. I was so scared of losing him (and believe me, there was a HUGE risk of us losing him at the time), I didn't let myself bond with him. I didn't want to hold him to feed him, I was uncomfortable with him and I hate it.

While I was in MI, I wasn't sure if I wanted to be a stay-at-home-mom or not. I LOVED teaching... seriously LOVED it. I couldn't imagine leaving the classroom and not going back for the 2010-2011 school year.

There was stress about my leaving in the middle of a track out. Not only did my entire room have to be moved into my new classroom (all my stuff was in Laura's room), but there was no one there to move it for me (Steve and I were in MI with Gus and could NOT leave the state with him). Thankfully, I had some great people that I worked with who moved it for me. 

The EOGs (end of grade tests) came and thankfully my sub took care of everything... I had plans for the most part, but did have to work with her on getting them finalized. There was a LOT of drama with the b**ches that I worked with and I had several calls from my principal informing me that it was my job to do sub plans... SERIOUSLY?!?!?! I was so stressed about Gus and the situation with Steve being in NC that the LAST thing I cared about were my damn sub plans.

I'll call that REASON 1 that I don't want to return to the classroom.

Anyway-- thankfully Steve was able to move ALL my teaching stuff home when the end of the year came and Gus and I were STILL in Michigan (two months is a LONG time)!! 

BUT... once we did come back to NC and started our life as a family, a sense of peace came over me and I started to really enjoy being home. I had contact with former parents and they told me all about how terrible 5th grade was, how much the kids missed me and they even threw us a baby shower (the kids all brought books for Gus). It was in October and it was wonderful.

I had an opportunity to interview with Primrose (a preschool/day care) and I had thought about working park-time (maybe even full-time) and putting Gus in their program while I taught. During that interview, I was asked some questions about what I'd do if I was teaching and Gus was in the office because he was crying and upset... when I said I'd take care of him, the head of Primrose told me that I'd be expected to stay with my class and they'd take care of Gus. That's all it took for me to realize that there's no way in hell I'm leaving him so I can take care of other people's kids.

From that moment on, I have been 100% committed to staying home with Gus. My desire to stay home has grown... I cannot imagine leaving his growth and development up to someone else. Even that, I can't imagine letting someone else mold him and teach him right from wrong. My job is to teach him about everything and to lead by example. The kind of person that I want him to be, comes from what I model and teach. I refuse to allow someone else that honor.

I love staying home. I am literally stress-free. I don't stress about parents, conferences, my students, my lessons, not ever having enough time in the day to do all that I want/need, I don't stress about co-workers (and trust me... I worked with some nasty bee-otches). I walked out of the classroom and into motherhood and it was amazing.

Even after almost two years of being out of the classroom, I don't really miss it. I don't know if I ever want to go back. Maybe. Maybe not. The way education has changed (and even in two short years), I refuse to go back and teach to a test. I refuse to look at children as test scores and data... and yet, that's what teachers are forced to do. No more creativity allowed in lessons, everything is scripted and you're TOLD what to teach. It's horrible.

Maybe I'll go back and teach in a Montessori elementary. I found one close to us that I'd LOVE to put Gus in for K-5. I'm okay with him going to public middle school and high school in our area, but I'd prefer for him to be in a different environment for elementary. I love what Montessori stands for, and I think most importantly, it's amazing to view children as individuals and not cram testing down their throats. There will be enough of that when they're older... in the elementary years, the focus should be on the love of learning and self discovery. Montessori education allows for that.

I'd like to be home for Gus (and future children) when he's getting out of school. All the way through high school. When all my kids are 18 and graduated from high school, that's when I'll (maybe) go back to work. Until then, I'm going to enjoy each and every day playing, laughing, exploring, molding, creating, loving, and teaching my own kid.

I'm so thankful to not have any stress in my life. I don't stress about what I'm going to wear... what I'm going to do... My only stress is brought on by me, and I have the power to change my circumstances. I am so grateful that Steve works so very hard and not only allows me to stay home, but completely supports it.

My Views on Teaching (and education) Now That I'm a Mom

My how things can change when you have children! Not only does your life completely change- and everyone tells you that it will, but until you've had kids, you REALLY have NO IDEA.

So yes, I am a changed woman because of my delightful wee man, and I don't remember my life before him. It's like he's always been here, and yet I know he hasn't, and I still appreciate that he is.

What scares me more than anything is that I'll do wrong by him. I am afraid that I'll make mistakes that can't be changed, or undone, and that these mistakes will have a lifetime toll. It's a heavy burden to carry-- being a mom. You're responsible for so much and yet, there's nothing (besides your own instincts) telling you if you're doing something wrong or not.

So, it has led me to numerous thoughts and conversations with myself (like that?) about my views on education. You see, before Gus, I taught for ten years. I gave all that I had to my teaching and my students and their parents. I thought of them as an extension of myself, and truly adored them and enjoyed being around my students so much that I did many things outside of school with them. Steve came along with me to several baseball games (Comerica Park to see the Tigers and DBAP to see the Durham Bulls), countless movies, and even dinners. Before Gus, my students WERE my kids and I even called them "my kids." I never referred to them as "my students" it was always "my kids" and "my parents" when talking about the people that surrounded me daily.

I always thought that the things that I did as a teacher was the norm. Everyone writes newsletters. Everyone gives 100% of their time and effort to their classroom-- either by decorating it and making it come alive with color and exciting things, or by devoting an extraordinary amount of time to lessons. Not reusing the same ones each year, but coming up with new ones. Exciting ones. Fresh ones. I assumed that every teacher deeply cared for their students and their parents like I did. 

I was wrong.

I have learned (the hard way I guess) that I was the exception when it came to teaching. Now... I am NOT saying that there aren't good teachers. I'm also not saying that all the things that I did are required for being considered a great teacher... but I do know that my expectations for myself were higher than most, and the learning environment and experience of being in my 3rd, 4th, or 5th grade class... was a one-of-a-kind experience.

I can tell you a few things for certain:

1) When/if I go back to teaching... I will NEVER teach the same as I did before Gus. 

What do I mean by this? I mean, before becoming a mom... I never REALLY got it. Now... I know that each and every one of those children placed in my care... was someone's Gus. They were the apple of their parents eye, and their parents wanted nothing but the best for them. 

When I go back... I will be extraordinary. I will be EVEN better than I've ever been... because I'm a mom.

2) When/if I go back to teaching... I will NEVER teach the same as I did before Gus.

Wait... why am I saying this twice??? Well... because I mean it in two ways. I did things before, that I just did because I was "told" to do them and "expected" to do them. They didn't have any concrete meaning to me, and it was easy to just go with what I was told to do.

I have a whole new view on homework. Really... it SHOULD be for reinforcing skills taught in class. And, the children that need that extra boost should be the ONLY ones expected to do it. Otherwise, it becomes "busy" work and really does take away from time as a family. 

Also-- testing... BAH HUMBUG!! Why are we testing testing testing our kids??? It takes away from authentic learning!!! And why can't kids learn about things without the pressure of being perfect?? I get accountability... I really do. I also get using scores to see what needs to be taught more... but that's not what's happening in today's classrooms. It's a constant barrage of information being thrown at them, and then they're being tested to see if they remember it. There's no real-world application or time to really let it soak in, simmer, and question it. 

So this has led me down three thoughts. 

1) Homeschooling

2) Unschooling (I get it for preschool aged kids and maybe 1st and 2nd grade... but beyond that, I just don't see how I could do it)

3) Public school and watch out teachers

Yes, I could home-school Gus.I used to say, "I'll NEVER home-school my children." But that was before I had children. I will not say that I will NEVER do it. In fact, when Gus goes to Kindergarten... if he's got a teacher that isn't doing what I expect of her, he'll be pulled out of school and I WILL take over.

I've done enough reading and research to know that kindergarten and first grade are the two most CRITICAL years when it comes to forming a love or hatred for school. And being that Gus is a boy, he's at even more of a disadvantage when it comes to the ways that most teachers teach. So... if when he goes, if his teacher isn't "tuned into Gus" and teaches him like he's just a number, and not an individual... I WILL keep him home and teach him myself. 

2) Unschooling.

It's a fascinating concept. I'm all about exploring your world, seeing things for what they REALLY are and taking the time to really enjoy learning for the sake of learning. BUT... what scares me about it (for my own child), is that once he's old enough to enter the workforce, or even college... the world doesn't take time to explore what you love, and your boss isn't going to let you do whatever makes you happy. Sometimes you have to do things you don't want to do, you have to work with people that you don't like... and I DO feel that school is the perfect place to learn these lessons early on.

I think a lot of what happens with unschooling, are the things that you'd do on a field trip. You go out and see the world, spend time having fun, and you're exploring. But then you come back to the school and continue learning. 

I'm so seriously torn. I get the concept... I REALLY do. I think it's awesome. I actually read about a place here in NC (and contacted them for more information) that does the unschooling but it's like a co-op of parents. It's for kids age 6-18 and the kids that attend, THRIVE. They enter the work force or college and are just as ready as those who are in traditional schools... but I don't know. It's not something I'm 100% comfortable with, and Steve is 0% comfortable.

So that leads me to my point of this whole post. When it comes time for Gus to attend school... his teachers better watch out. I'm not going to be "that mom" but maybe I am. I am going to expect a lot from them, because it's what I did and I think, "if I could do it... so can they." I better get newsletters, and there better be a reason for the homework assigned. If he gets assigned a packet... you can bet his teacher will be hearing from me about it.

All my angst about it... makes me just think maybe homeschooling isn't so bad. I definitely think there are advantages and disadvantages... so I don't know what we'll do when it's time. Thankfully we have four years before we have to worry about it. I AM going to be doing preschool stuff with him here... he will not be going to a preschool program. So it leads me to think, "if I am okay with doing preschool here at home, why not home-school?"

Let me close by saying that if we do choose to home-school... it would only be for elementary school. I think there's a lot to be gained from middle school and high school instruction that I can't give. I think the elementary years should be a time for exploring, having fun, and learning the fundamentals, but then I start to think about how hormonal kids are in middle school... and how hard it can be with bullying and all that and I go back to not knowing anything.

See... I said it at the very beginning... parenting is the hardest job ever. I don't want to make the wrong decisions and then regret things. I guess I'll face those bridges when I come to them... and thankfully, I'll have Steve by my side to help make the decisions.

I hear Gus in his crib... better go get him!!

Song: "Anything But Mine"- Kenny Chesney
Mood: Tired

Okay... so I have to brag about myself for a minute (if I don't, who will right?). I recently applied to be a Discovery Educator Network STAR teacher. I had to fill out an online application, answering questions about my educational experience and my background with technology. I then had to watch a video and take a test. Then I had to complete an "event/training" and log it before I could be considered. Well... I was considered and approved! I am a STAR educator! I am super excited because I get my own blog on the DEN, I get invited to special events and conferences, and I can train people on the various Discovery Education products (United Streaming being one). It comes at a perfect time because (with my help), my school finally purchased United Streaming and I'll be able to train everyone at my school on how to use it. I might even get to train the teachers at Laurel Park (the new school that my old principal is opening).

I got a nice plaque saying that I am a Discovery STAR Educator (it arrived at school and my kids got to see it), I also got a nice laptop bag (which is perfect because I just happen to have a NEW laptop that needed a bag), a nice STAR educator pin (that I wear with pride) and a lanyard that says DEN. I am excited!!

I'm not done bragging... (lol). I have finally figured out how to do PodCasts and have had such a great time teaching my 4th graders about them. We've used them for book reviews and so far it's been incredible. They've gotten comfortable and are even experimenting with new ways of doing a book review. You should definitely check out my website and listen to their PodCasts.

And still not done (bet you thought I was done didn't you?)... I've mastered taking video and embedding it into my website! I have had so much fun with recording my kids doing the wackiest things and then putting it on the website. I think the parents have really enjoyed it as well. There's a page just for videos on my website. If you need a good laugh... check it out. :)

Okay, my head is super big now... so I'll check out.
Until next time...
>^..^<