Blog Hop!

 

Open Adoption Blog Hop #2

I love Open Adoption Bloggers and how they connect people from all parts of the adoption triad. This is the second blog hop (I don't know where I was for the first) and we're supposed to share our favorite quote. I have two. Here they are:

"If a mother can love more than one child, why can't a child love more than one mother?"

I like this because it puts the concept of adoptive mom and birth mom together in a clear way. We can (and do) love more than one child, so why is it so foreign to think that a child could (and does) love more than one mother? While I'll always be Gus's mom and Hugh's mom, they both have birth moms who will always be the person who brought them into this world. Both labored with them, and birthed them. Both experienced pain (physical) while bringing them into this world. And both matter.

The other quote that I love is:

"Biology is the least of which that makes someone a mother." -Oprah

I like this one because I cannot physically have children. I will never know what it's like to feel my child on the inside, but it doesn't make me less of a person or less of a mother. Sometimes there are women who can (and do) get pregnant without trying and they don't want to be moms. They sometimes neglect their children and just because they share a biological connection, it doesn't make them any better of a mother than me, who doesn't share a biological connection to any offspring.

Anyway, those are my two favorite quotes. I also have one more "Those with nothing to hide, hide nothing." -Dr. Phil  :-)

What's your favorite quote and why?

Quick Update

I feel like there's a million things that I want to write about and I have zero time. It's almost midnight and I'm going to be so mad at myself tomorrow when I have to be up early for church.

Church? What?? Yes! I've started going to church again and this time, it's at Christ the King. It's the church where Gus goes to preschool and I figured it'd make more sense to go to church there, because we're there twice a week and see many people from preschool, at church. I want him to grow up feeling part of the church and I am so glad we already do.

A week ago, I met with Pastor Brian and we chatted for about an hour about my questions and whatnot about the Lutheran Church. I came to really like what we talked about and I decided that I'd go to the Sunday 11am service to see how I liked it. Well, the 11am is a contemporary service and it was NOT for me. Way too loosey-goosey and I felt empty when I left.

Thankfully, Steve and I went back on Ash Wednesday (with Lesley and Logan) and we had a wonderful experience. I decided that I want to join the church. So no more Episcopal Church for me-- I'm going to be a Lutheran.

Speaking of CTK, this past Thursday (Valentine's Day), was the very first time that Gus went to school and did NOT cry at all!!! I was so proud of him!! I really hope we have turned the corner on this and he'll start enjoying his time at school.

He had a Valentine's Day party at school and it was so fun to see him with his friends and be in his classroom. Here are a few pictures:

 

Ready for his party!

 

Playing cars before school

 

Ready to start the day!

 

I adore him!

 

Washing his hands after eating his cupcake

 

Gus and his two teachers

 

The class bulletin board

 

Gus's heart

 

The Valentines that I made for Gus

Steve's dad and Sue Ann came down Thursday night and we've had a nice visit with them. They're going home tomorrow morning. They were kind enough to watch the boys for us today so we could go see a movie! It was so nice!!

Tomorrow I have a hair appointment and I'm getting it cut and highlighted! I can't wait! I also have a nail appointment. It's going to be a day of being pampered for me!!

I'm off to bed-- I'll try to blog again tomorrow. We'll see.

Open Adoption Roundtable #43

OAR #43: How did you talk to your extended family about open adoption prior to adopting/placing? How did they respond? For those with non-receptive family members, were you able to have more successful discussions with them post-adoption?

I'm very fortunate that when Steve and I decided to pursue adoption, we had the full support of both of our families. I think they all just wanted us to be happy and wanted to see us with the child that we so longed for.

Once Gus came into our lives, everyone was overjoyed, but also very cautious about our adoption situation. With having a 30 day revocation period, AND complications with our son's birth family (extended family), not only were we super stressed, but our families were worried for us. They didn't want to see us heartbroken, and were very afraid that our dream would be turned into a nightmare, and they wouldn't be able to do anything to help us.

After we had passed the revocation period and we were finally able to return home with Gus, things died down a bit. We were in another state, 12 hours from our son's birth family, and it was more like "out of sight, out of mind" for our families.

However, when we returned back to MI/IN for the first time with Gus, we met some resistance when we planned our first meeting (post-adoption) with Gus's birth family. My parents didn't understand why we felt like we needed to see them (the birth family) every single time we were back in MI.

It was hard to explain, and at times, it STILL is hard to explain. While both sets of parents still support us, I don't know if they fully understand and support our feelings about open adoption.

The good news is that we're the ones that get to decide how we progress with our open adoption. We set the rules and we determine the level of openness that we have. 

We love each set of birth families in different ways. We have connections with them in different ways, and each have a piece of our heart and a HUGE piece of who our boys are. We feel they're as important to our children as our parents/extended families are.

I think as we move forward with open adoption, it gets a little bit better. We look forward to the visits that we have with each side of our family, and we view Gus's birth family and Hugh's birth family as additions to our family. We're all one unit and we're proud of the relationships that we're helping to form.

The bottom line is that we do what we do for the betterment of our children. It's not always easy, but it's what's best for them. Sometimes, our families don't understand that completely, but that's okay with us. They don't have to get it... they just have to support our decisions. And fortunately for us, they do and we're so lucky because of that!

        

It's Potty Time!!!

I don't have a lot of time to post, but Gus went pee pee on the potty today!!! Very first time and we are SO proud!!

He was in the bathroom with Steve and unbuttoned his pants. Steve pulled them down and took off his diaper and Gus sat down. Steve said a tiny bit came out, then he told Gus to push it out and he practically filled the potty!!!

Steve called me into the bathroom and we celebrated!!! This is SUCH a BIG deal!!!!



- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Why Communication is SO Important!

I've spent a lot of time thinking about how totally different Hugh's adoption was compared to Gus's adoption. There are so many differences (obviously, each adoption WILL be different) that it's striking and has made me seriously think about why they're so different.

I think the biggest difference between the two is the communication level between ourselves and the expectant mother, whom became our birth mother.

With C, we didn't have any time to talk to her. I mean, honestly, I guess we could have talked to her in the week that we had between our match and Gus's arrival. However, we didn't have any direct communication with her until we were sitting in her hospital room meeting her for the first time.

When I think back to Gus's adoption, I feel like I was so naive. We didn't know anything about adoption other than what our agency told us. Because we were new to the whole show, we didn't know what to expect. We had spent the weekend at a mandatory retreat, where we were introduced to a panel of individuals who were from both sides of adoption. 

We heard stories from couples (like us) who had waited for various amounts of time, and were matched through our agency and became a family through adoption. We heard from a few couples who were still with the agency and waiting. They had been waiting for over two years (didn't give us much hope).

Then we were introduced to birth families. We met a grandmother who was the only person in contact with the adoptive family. We met a birth dad (the elusive birth dad we called him-- mainly because our agency reiterated that the majority of adoptions don't have a birth father present), and last but certainly not least, we met a birth mother. A real, live, in person birth mother. The first that we'd ever seen.

She was 19, going to college, well-adjusted, and spoke eloquently about her decision to place her baby for adoption. She was funny, grounded, and defied all stereo-types of the drug-using birth mothers that were told about (we were told to consider pot usage and heroin usage minor in the scheme of things when it came to what drugs our expectant mother took while pregnant. It's cocaine, meth, and crack that we needed to watch out for!).

Throughout our time with our agency, we were told (over and over again) that a certain protocol would take place when we got "the call" to head to the hospital. The first was that we were (under NO circumstances) to make sure we did not wear jeans to the hospital. It's simply not allowed!! We were not allowed to give the birth mother (who wasn't a birth mother yet because she had not signed anything) a gift of any sort. Flowers were okay, but only if both parties agreed.

The agency would take care of the discussion of expectations. They'd find out for us, what the expectant mother wanted (as far as contact). They'd find out if she wanted us in the room with her (we were told not to expect this at all), if she was going to hold the baby or not (we were told that it's best if she DOES hold the baby so she has time to connect as she needed before saying goodbye). We were told they'd find out where the baby would go (would it stay in the room with her? Go to the nursery?).

So when we got the call about C, none of those details had been discussed. In fact, we didn't even know if she wanted an open adoption or not. When we got to the hospital, I think the majority of my fear and anxiety came from the not knowing anything. We had never even talked to C on the phone, so we didn't know what to expect.

Gus's whole adoption was a bit of a mess. I won't go back into detail about the two months in MI, but it was bad. Really bad. And I blame 99% of it on poor communication. We weren't sure what the heck was going on, and never had a firm grasp of anything. For two solid months, we lived daily with the fear that the whole adoption would fall apart. It was horrible and stressful and I vowed to not let it happen ever again.

With Hugh's adoption, it's like a night and day difference. 

We are wiser. MUCH wiser.

Ever since the first bit of communication with B, there's been nothing held back and we've been 100% honest. She has been honest with us as well.

We didn't have an agency to rely on for the communication part, and I'm glad. We took care of it ourselves. We had several conversations that had phrases like, "I hope you don't get upset by this, but what do you think about.... or what were you planning on doing when it comes to..." Each step of the way, we talked. And talked. And talked.

The day we chose to leave GA and head to NC, without a call for a baby, was a leap of faith. We had no reason not to trust in everything B had told us, and we wanted to be as close to her as possible, so when it WAS time, we'd be there.

When she and I talked on the phone (before Bdub had arrived), it was like everything that I expected. She was easy to talk to, funny, and direct. I like that it was so easy to talk to her, since I HATE talking on the phone.

On December 18th, when we left Carolina Beach to head to the hospital, it got real. We had a room number for her. We had a destination in sight and as we headed to the hospital, I found myself excited instead of afraid.

I didn't know what to expect, but I wasn't afraid. I was eager to FINALLY meet B after five months with her. I couldn't wait to talk to her in person. And did we talk!!

We spent HOURS talking and laughing. In fact, I don't know if I've ever enjoyed myself with a complete stranger more. But that's the thing... because of the communication she and I had (for MONTHS before Hugh's birth), she really wasn't a stranger. She was like a long-lost relative and it felt like coming home when meeting her.

It's really amazing how lucky we are. Seriously. I'm amazed at the wonderful relationship we have with all of Gus's birth family. His birth parents, their siblings, his birth grandparents, their parents, and even cousins and aunts and uncles. It's really awesome to be part of it all and to know that we started off soooooo behind. We've worked to build the relationship that we have, and it's great.

With B, we only have a relationship with her. Her sister has recently come into our lives and we're so eager to meet her and introduce her to Hugh. We know that it'll be a slow process with Hugh's birth family, but we're certain that with open and honest communication, we'll continue to expand his family and someday, he'll know many of them.

When it comes to open adoption, communication really is the key. It's the missing piece of the puzzle. It's so hard to get the communication started though. Fear and uncertainty get in the way. However, what do you have to lose? 

Too many people hold back on the important stuff because they don't want to hurt anyone's feelings. They don't want to ask the wrong questions, and don't want to be intrusive. I get that. But I also think that open communication is the way to a successful relationship. For ANY relationship-- communication is SO important!!

I'm thankful that B and I started out with wonderful communication and it's only gotten better. She and I know how lucky we are and we are thankful that we're both willing to be open and honest with each other. It makes me love her all the more.