A Month of Gratitude: Day 21

Day 21: Not Scammed

I just finished reading a blog post written by a hopeful adoptive mom, and it was all about how excited they were to FINALLY match with an expectant mom. They shared their good news with friends and family, and posted on FB that after like five years of starting the process, they had a match.

They met with this expectant mom, took her shopping, were going to be helping with financial assistance (something I am totally against), and then the agency called to let her know that it was a scam.

My heart aches for this family and for the ups and downs they've experienced with adoption. They started the process back in the summer of 2008 and are still waiting for a match and for their baby. How they do it, is just beyond me.

It made me so thankful though, that our adoption of Hugh had the happy ending that it had. Sometimes, I forget how crazy and far-fetched our match was with Hugh.

For those that do not know/remember... we met Hugh's birth mom online. We shared no one in common and never received any ultrasounds with her name or showing a baby. It wasn't until mid-October that I ever got a picture of her pregnant belly.

So from July-October, it was all just faith that she was even real and was legit. Thankfully, everything she told me was always correct and her "facts" always lined up. Honestly, I NEVER had any doubts about her and knew inside that we were destined to be connected. I just knew.

When I told friends about her, they were all immediately skeptical. I think it was because we didn't have anyone in common, and she was in another state. I know my friends were just looking out for my best interests and wanted to protect me from getting scammed. While we never gave any money, we could have been emotionally scammed.

For five months we were matched with her. I shared things with her via email and text that I never shared with anyone else. She and I were so similar and I felt so connected to her. I cared deeply for her as a person, and as a potential birth mother of a future child, it was a lot to take in. I just wanted to meet her and give her the biggest hug.

I don't know if I was in a fog, or just not 100% in the reality of the situation (I was probably guarding myself), but when I finally DID start to think about things, I had the first and only anxiety attack of my life. 

When we got to North Carolina, I was sitting outside enjoying the weather and the view, and I had a moment of, "WHAT THE HELL AM I DOING?!?!" It was scary actually. I had another mild-panic attack and the reality of the whole thing hit me.

We didn't know her at all and were totally in another state, waiting on a phone call that might not ever come. As each day inched closer and closer to her due date, the fear was more and more real. While I "knew" it was going to be okay, I was also having second guesses. When her due date came and went... it got real.

I'll never forget sitting in the living room and setting my ring tone and text tone for her, so that when she did call/text, I'd know it was from her (those same text/ring tones are on my phone today). When she called me on the 18th, it was just after noon. It was the first time that I had heard her voice and she sounded exactly like I knew she'd sound.

She told me about her horrible day and that she was going to the doctor's and going to bed to be induced. She said she'd call me after meeting with the doctor.

She called me back around 8pm and said, "Are you ready to have a baby?" My heart leaped out of my chest and I screamed, "YES!!!!" We scurried out the door and arrived at the hospital just around 11pm.

When we walked into her room, I instantly fell in love with her. She was so awesome and so pregnant and hooked up to a million monitors. We hugged and it all clicked immediately. 

Hugh's whole adoption story is created by God. Every last detail was divinely made and crafted specifically for us. I'm just thankful that it all was as I knew it would be, and we didn't end up heart broken.

My heart goes out to all the waiting couples that are going to spend their Thanksgiving praying that this is their last one without the baby that they're waiting for. I am thankful that we had a total of five months of waiting for each of our boys, while there are people waiting five YEARS. 

A Month of Gratitude: Day 2

Day 2: God

I know, it's a pretty big topic, but I am so thankful for my relationship with God. I've always been spiritual and I grew up Catholic. We went to mass, attended religious formation classes, and I received my sacraments. When I went through my divorce, I went through the rigorous process of having my marriage annulled because I wanted a "clean slate."

I have always had a solid belief in God and attribute my faith to my mother. She's the one person that I turn to in times of doubt and when I have questions about my faith, I go to her. She has never steered me wrong, and I'm so thankful that she's been able to serve as my spiritual guide here on Earth.

When we lived in Michigan, we went to mass pretty frequently. In fact, when Steve and I met, our first date was spent going to mass together. Him being a practicing Catholic was one of the biggest attractions for me, and I really wanted someone to go to church with, and if it turned into more, great, but a church buddy was what I really craved.

Not only did I find someone to go to church with, but I found someone that I believe was created for me.

After we moved to North Carolina in June of 2007, I found it really hard to find a church that felt like home. Anyone who's ever "church hunted" can attest that there's a feeling you get when you're in the right place. We never felt that in NC, but the closest Catholic Church was where we attended (briefly).

From the time that Gus came back to NC with us (he was two months) until he was about 15 months, we didn't go to church. It was just too complicated and honestly, it wasn't convenient for our weekend schedule. So we stopped going. I don't know what called me back to church, but when Gus was about 15 months, I started taking him during the week (the church had M/Tu/Th/F 9am mass). 

The first time I took him, I sat in the regular area, and he decided to scream to hear his echo. So I moved to the cry room and that's where I would go each week. However, the speakers weren't working during the week, so I'd go and not be able to hear anything. What's the point of going to church if you can't hear anything. And, it was so distracting with Gus being so busy, I wasn't getting much out of being there anyway.

The final straw came one week when I was sitting in the back (not the cry room because I couldn't hear in there), but away from others. As the priest was coming up the aisle, Gus was chatting and, I kid you not, the priest stopped and shushed me. 

He shushed me in the middle of coming up the aisle. I was so shocked. I never went back. I'm pretty sure Jesus would not have shushed us.
 

 
When we moved to Georgia, I tried to see what Catholic Churches were near us. There are two, but honestly, neither felt "right." So we didn't attend at all.

I had this feeling inside that I was missing something from my life. Deep down I knew what it was, but I didn't know how to verbalize or recognize it. I was being called to come back to God, but I didn't know how to get there.

One thing that I did come to realize was that I just couldn't call myself a Catholic anymore. The things that the Church believes, for the most part, I believe as well. BUT... the things that I disagree on are such BIG issues for me, that I felt like a hypocrite to keep going. My mom calls this being a "Cafeteria Catholic" where you pick and choose what you want to believe based on how it works for you. I just couldn't do it.

There are a lot of things that I DO believe in that align with the Catholic Church. However, the social teachings are where I cannot align myself. I was desperately searching for a church that was tolerant and accepting of ALL people. Straight AND homosexual. While I'm straight, I love all people and believe with all my heart that if Jesus were walking the Earth today, he'd be standing with the gays and loving them, not condemning them.

I wanted a church that allowed women to serve as ministers. What a crazy concept-- a female on the altar serving God. 


So I came to the Episcopal Church as an option. I found one that's close to us and I contacted the priest and he and I met to discuss my questions. While I felt the meeting went well, I still didn't have that "feeling" that I was in the right place. Steve and I went to mass once and had to leave 1/2 way through because Gus was screaming.


We didn't even make it through a service, but the time that we were in there, I felt lost. I didn't know what to expect, didn't know what was coming next, there was no set pattern, like there is with the mass. I'm sure had I kept going, I would have found the structure to be very similar to the Catholic Mass, but we left 1/2 way through and never went back.


I was on a quest to find my place. 

In January of 2013, we started Gus at Christ the King for preschool. My friend Lesley attended the church and her son was in preschool there as well. Gus joined the class and the church had an "Open House" for everyone new to the preschool to come and learn more.


Lesley came over and watched the boys while I went to the Open House. I was expecting it to be about the preschool, but it was actually more about the church. They started with a slide show and I loved it. I had this awesome feeling come over me and I felt like God was calling me.

At the end of the meeting, I talked to the pastor and told him that I might want to come in and talk to him-- he encouraged it and said he'd be waiting for my email. 

I did go and meet with Pastor Brian and we had a wonderful conversation. I found him to be so easy to talk to, and he was welcoming, assuring, and very warm. He oozes niceness. He encouraged me to come to a service and see what the church was all about. 

So, Lesley and I went the following Sunday and attended the 11am service. HOLY COW. It was a contemporary service and not my thing. I felt discouraged, and unsure because I had this overwhelming feeling like I was being called there, and yet, this service was against all that I was looking for.

We decided to go to the Ash Wednesday traditional service and see how it was, and if it wasn't better, I'd be looking again.

Steve came with me to the service and it was awesome. I just felt like I was FINALLY where I was meant to be. Steve enjoyed it and said it was very Catholic-like and he really liked it.

We started going to CtK each Sunday at 8:45am and officially joined the church in May. We had Hugh baptized at CtK and then had an official joining ceremony in May.

I am now Lutheran and so happy. I am learning more and more about what it means to be an ELCA Lutheran. We have two pastors, Pastor Brian and Pastor Sherry. I absolutely love seeing a woman on the altar and know that I am right where I am meant to be.

I am so thankful to have found a church where I feel at home. I love that my husband and I go together with our children and we go every Sunday. Gus and Hugh go to the nursery while we're in service and then Gus goes to Faith Formation classes. He'll be singing in the Christmas service and I can't wait to hear him. He loves going and it's a positive experience for all of us.

I've never been one to be preachy- in fact, people that are overly religious make me VERY uncomfortable. Not sure why, but I always feel like they're judging me, or that I have to watch everything I say and do because they're so religious. It's totally my own deal.

I do feel like it's so important to be raising my children with a religious upbringing. Maybe it's because I felt connected to my mom through our going to church, or because I have always had a need to feel connected. I want Gus and Hugh to know how much they're loved by God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit. I want them to grow up knowing God and I want a relationship with God to be so important to them. We will raise them with morals and values and will help them build a relationship with God. And the thought of not doing this, is so foreign to me. I cannot imagine them to not know the love and grace of God.

So for day two, I am so grateful for my relationship with God.

No Longer Catholic

 

My new parish :-)

I did something BIG today. Something that I've had an itch to do for quite some time actually, but just never had the courage or gumption to go through with it. I left the Catholic Church.

I am was a "cradle Catholic" (a term used to describe people who have been Catholic their whole lives). My mom is a very involved Catholic, and has served as my spiritual mentor for my whole life. She's the one person who I respect and admire most and her opinion is ALWAYS considered and asked whenever I have these "itches."

I grew up with the Catholic Church being part of my identity. I loved going to religious formation classes and was so eager to be a teacher myself (I taught third grade RE when I was a junior and senior in high school). I always went to Mass with my mom and it wasn't something I gave much thought about.

When I went to college, I decided to explore a bit and see what other denominations were like. I immediately did not like the Baptist church-- too "in your business" and judgmental for my taste. I didn't like the Methodist church that I attended with a friend, and so I went back to the Catholic Church. 

After my divorce, I went through the Annulment process so that if/when I got married again, if the man I was going to marry was Catholic, I didn't want my divorce to be something that stopped us from getting married in the Church-- turns out it was never an issue anyway, Steve and I married on the beach and we were not married by a priest.

When I was in my post-divorce phase of my life (AKA when the most growth and development happened), I found a non-denominational church and I loved it. I loved the people, the music, the atmosphere... but I never felt at home and I felt like something HUGE was missing-- to me, Jesus was missing. I missed seeing him on the cross and there was nothing present that called to me and said I was in the right spot. So back to the Catholic Church I went.

I feel like my spiritual/religious journey is typical of many people in their 20s and 30s. Maybe not, but I think a lot of people go through events that cause them to question their beliefs and they're forced to analyze what they're looking for out of life.

So anyway... Steve and I met and our first date was spent going to Mass. It was a wonderful foundation to an amazing relationship and I always liked that we could worship together. It has always been very important to me to have a partner who is the same religion as I am, and share the same values, morals, and beliefs that I have. This probably stems from being raised with a Catholic mother and an Athiest father.

Before we moved to NC, Steve and I went to Mass each week. It was just part of what we did and it was just something that I had always done (this was all before June of 2007). I never had any "warm fuzzy" feeling when I went to church and never felt like I was in a place that I was meant to be. I just assumed it'd never happen and it wasn't something that did happen for most people. However, I had many friends that were very into their churches and they DID have that love... and I was jealous and wanted it too.

Once we moved, we stopped going to Mass. There was too much going on and we didn't make it a priority. When we adopted Gus, we vowed to start going back to Mass... and we did for a while. Then I started taking him by myself to the various 9am Masses. I was hoping to find one that I really liked... but it never happened.

As many people know, the Catholic Church has been transitioning lately, and the big changes started in November of 2011. The Mass is still the same, but the wording is totally different. Talk about feeling like a fish out of water-- 35 years of the same thing and then it's all different. There are cheat sheets for people to re-learn the wording... that's a really hard task.

So anyway, the last time I went to Mass was in October of 2011. I took Gus and he and I were sitting in the church (not the cry room because the sound system was disconnected and anyone in the cry room could NOT hear anything happening outside the room). Gus was 17 months... and he was very squirmy and chatty. He was discovering his echo and being noisy... and my priest literally shushed us. NOT KIDDING. He put his had to his mouth (the quiet sign) and shushed us. I was so embarrassed. It was that moment that I decided not to go back until Gus was older and was able to sit and not be a pain to deal with and try to keep quiet for the sake of being shushed again.

Then we moved and I found us a Catholic Church here in GA. There were two options and both were HUGE parishes and so I picked based on the name. The one time I attempted to go to Mass, I was running a bit late (not late but not as early as usual... I arrived in the parking lot as Mass was starting) and there were NO parking spots. It turned me off and I turned around and came home and never went back.

I want Gus to have a solid faith foundation and I want him to know the Holy Trinity. I never want him to not know Jesus and I want him to feel at home and welcomed into his church, just as I did as a child. What he chooses to do as an adult is up to him, but I feel that as a parent, it's my job to impart some morals, ethics, and to provide opportunities to develop his faith and character. 

The Catholic Church is wonderful for so many reasons. My faith, and what I believe whole-hardheartedly are Catholic tenants. 

• I believe that Mary was immaculately conceived
• I believe that Jesus was immaculately conceived
• I believe that the body and blood of Christ is the literal body and blood and not just a representation
• I believe that Mary ascended into Heaven
• I believe in the Holy Trinity and that each are separate yet one
• I believe in ONE Baptism
• I believe in the angels and the saints and pray to them for various things
• I believe in the sacraments

All that being said... there are some fundamental things that I DO NOT believe and the Catholic Church does believe. These are things that go against my personal beliefs:

• Natural Family Planning-- if someone wants to use birth control, I say let them.
• Not welcoming homosexuals
• Not allowing women to serve as anything more than a nun
• Not allowing priests to marry

Those are just a few... so I've been at a crossroads for a while. I feel like the older I get, the stronger my opinions are getting and the more passionate I am getting about what I feel is right. The problem is that I love the traditions of the Catholic Church, I love the tenants, but I cannot subscribe to the "social" or man-made things. So it's been really hard to feel like I'm "at home" with a religion that I've just found flaw after flaw with. 

Now, let me say that these flaws are what I personally believe. It's just my opinion. But... I have had a hard time staying attached to a church that I keep disagreeing with. The more the church changes things and takes (what I think are) GIANT steps BACK... the more I want out.

So I did some research. Part of this was talking to my mom about my feelings and thoughts, and I found the Episcopalian Church. I read a lot and did a lot of soul-searching and praying. I asked God to help me find my direction and to lead me to the path that I am meant to find. The more I read, the more I liked. The more I liked, the happier I got and the more hopeful I became.

I decided last month that I'd see if there are any Episcopalian churches near me. There are two. I then did some reading on the two and found that one is one of two in the Episcopalian Diocese of Atlanta that's considered "Anglo-Catholic." I immediately called my mom to see if she knew what this meant and she had no idea.

So I emailed the parish and asked to speak to someone about some questions I had. I went a week without hearing anything and I was starting to think it was a sign. Then I got an email from Fr. Tripp Norris letting me know that he was having problems with the website and anything submitted... so he wanted to touch base and make sure that I received his other emails (I had not).

He and I exchanged emails and decided that once we returned from our vacation north, we'd meet at the parish. That meeting was today.

I went into the meeting feeling incredibly nervous. He was super nice and very friendly and Gus played in the nursery while we chatted. Gus was very interested in Fr. Tripp and was more comfortable with him than I ever expected. He showed him his trains and kept smiling at him-- it was very interesting.

I got all my questions answered and found out some awesome things.

• The ONLY difference (fundamentally) between Catholics and Episcopalians is the "how" of the transubstantiation. This is when the bread and wine are changed into the body and the blood. Apparently Catholics believe there's a set process (I had no idea what this process is) and Episcopalians consider it a mystery.
• Anglo-Catholic means that they're an Anglican based (Church of England) parish with the same emphasis and traditions as the Catholic Church. They share the same sacramental rite.
• Because I am was Catholic and was confirmed, there is no process for me to convert. I'd be welcomed with open arms and no questions asked. :-)  The same is true for Steve.
• The Episcopal Church allows women priests, bishops, and archbishops.
• The EC openly accepts homosexuals and allows them to be open about their orientation (there are openly gay priests and bishops). In fact, there are several openly gay members of the parish and they're all welcomed and accepted (can I get an AMEN)!!
• They have all the same sacraments.
• Children in grades 9-12 are welcomed to decide to become confirmed. Unlike the Catholic Church, where you get to 7/8 grade and it's an automatic thing... in the EC, you make that choice for yourself. When you decide to be confirmed, there's a HUGE weekend retreat for all those in the entire Archdiocese of Atlanta (for the EC) to get together and worship, talk about their faith, and really get excited to become confirmed. This event reminded me a lot of Rainbow.
• There's two Masses on Sunday (one at 9am and one at 11am). The first one is the low Mass and it's more casual and the children's choir sings. Then between the two Masses is when they do Sunday School (the same as Religious Formation). 
• While the kids are in Sunday School, there are various ministires for the parents/adults. It's very cool.
• The 11am Mass is the High Mass and it's very formal and they use incense. It's the most Catholic-like of their Masses.
• They have some really cool ministires-- Theology on Tap is one where you meet at a bar/pub to talk about various topics while enjoying dinner and drinks (great for singles)... there's one called FEAST and it's for going to dinner together and becoming friends and enjoying fellowship (they have three groups-- one is for singles, one is for families and it's done at homes as a pot-luck and kids are welcomed and the other is at restaurants and no kids).

So anyway... I left the hour long meeting feeling really at peace. I really liked Fr. Tripp and everything about the Episcopal Church. I feel like leaving the Catholic Church is a no-brainer. I will get all the things that I love about the Catholic faith... and the social aspects that REALLY matter to me are aligned with my own. It's a win-win.

As a result, I am proud to say that I am no longer Catholic and I am now a proud member of the Episcopal Church! I sent in my official registration and our family is now registered with St. Columba's Episcopal Church! I'm excited to go to Mass this weekend and see what it's like!!

A Year of Gratitude #59

 

A Year of Gratitude #59: My faith

I was raised Catholic and went to mass weekly with my mom. I went to religious formation classes as a kid and enjoyed them, though, looking back, I wish I had paid more attention.

I went through a phase when I went to college, where I questioned my religion, and was curious about what else was out there. My beliefs never wavered during this period of religious exploration. 

I went to a Pentecostal church, a Methodist church, a Baptist church, and a Lutheran church and lastly, a non-denominational church. Each new experience brought upon more and more questions, but yet, I still longed for more. I never had that "I'm at home" feeling.

If I'm being 100% honest, I STILL haven't found that feeling anywhere. However, that being said, I cannot deny my beliefs... or more simply put, my faith.

I know what I believe and I know what I feel in my heart. I KNOW there is a God and I believe adamantly in the holy trinity. I am most assuredly a Christian and believe that Jesus was sent to Earth to die for my sins, and the sins of mankind. He knew why he was sent here, and loved us so much that he let God's will be done without bucking the system. 

I thank my mother for always instilling in me a solid sense of what is right and wrong, and for always helping to lay the foundation of my own faith. She is my most trusted spiritual advisor, and I am thankful that she's in my life, not only as my mom, but in this capacity as well.

When I am having moral issues, or questions about my beliefs versus what the Church says I should believe... I go to her. I hope to be as solid of a role model with my children, as she is with me.

There's never been a time in my life that I didn't know the Holy Trinity. I've always known that God, Jesus, and The Holy Spirit are apart of my life in equally profound ways. And even when I've considered leaving the Catholic Church, my convictions and beliefs haven't changed.

I don't think I need to drill it into Gus's head that he's a Christian. In fact, I don't know what he is... he'll get to decide that for himself when he's old enough. Until that time, it's our job as his parents, to give him a foundation and help him know God. I want him to know that he is special, that God loves him, and that Jesus and The Holy Spirit are always there for him.

I sometimes get sad when I think about friends and family members that don't have the same beliefs that I have, because I honestly think they're missing out on something wonderful. However, everyone is allowed to do as they so choose, and if they don't want a relationship with God, that's their right. 

I am just thankful and full of gratitude that even though I don't agree with what my "religion" says... I know in my heart what my spiritual beliefs are. And to me, they're more important than anything any Church could tell me to believe.