2013 Open Adoption Interview Project

I love talking about adoption and I love to blog about our experiences with adopting domestically. Neither of our adoptions turned out the way I envisioned them to go, and neither followed any sort of pattern. I enjoy reading about the adoption experiences of others in the adoption triad (adoptees, birth parents, and adoptive parents). It's always neat to find new blogs to follow and I find myself getting quite attached to the people on the other end of the screen.

Last year was my first year participating in the Open Adoption Bloggers Interview Project. I missed it the year before and was eager to sign up last year. We had our trip to Disney this time last year and I was nervous about missing the deadline, but I was able to get it in and enjoyed reading all the other posts.

This year, it's being done a bit differently. There are three groups and each group posts their interviews during a specific window of time. It ends up making it really easy to read all the interviews and to easily see which bloggers were matched together.

My group posts on November 19th (I'm in group two). I hope you'll check out the interviews for that day and all the interviews from the first group as well (posted 11/12/13).

I was matched with J from J and D Adopt. She and her husband are a waiting family and I enjoyed the opportunity to ask her questions and get to know her better. I'm hooked now and cannot wait to keep following their adoption journey. I think my favorite post will be the one of them holding their sweet baby!!

Without further ado... I introduce J:

1) When did you start your blog? What made you decided to create a blog about your adoption journey? Are you planning on keeping it once you've got a baby?

I started my blog about a week and a half after we were approved. I had planned to do a blog all along but not necessarily in this form. I like the community I've come across through adoptions blogs and wanted to really be a part of if through blogging. I tend to have strong opinions and this journey is unlike anything else we've ever been through, so I wanted a place I could express my feelings in an open manner semi-anonymously. I don't know that I will continue my blog after we get a baby. I think I'll cross that bridge when we get there.

2) I know that infertility isn't the reason you and D chose to create your family, so why is adoption your choice?

Adoption has been a part of my plan as long as I can remember. In fact, we took some really good friends out to breakfast to tell them about the adoption and ask if they would be a reference. I was vague in my invitation, telling them that I wanted to talk to them about something and that it wasn't that I was pregnant. When we did tell them what it was, the wife shouted "I KNEW IT!" But this is a question I've been thinking a lot about during this journey. I think because it's been a hope of mine for so long, it's just become a part of me. My uncle is adopted and we have an extended step-family on my mom's side, so blood isn't important to me in forming a family. Our ultimate desire would be to adopt one domestically, have one bio, and adopt internationally. I've always had this voice in my head that's told me it's going to be difficult for me to get pregnant and I have been diagnosed with endometriosis, so getting pregnant might not be in the cards for us. But knowing us, if we didn't adopt first, we weren't going to be likely to do it.

3) Are you hoping to have an open, semi-open, or closed adoption? What made you decide this type of adoption?

This is another issue I've struggled with. My husband is leaning more towards a semi-open. My heart is coming around to an open adoption. I have fears about an open adoption - I fear our child will be confused by this extra familial relationship; I fear when he or she is a teenager, they'll tell me they want to go live with their birth mother. My biggest fear is being compared to her and falling short in my child's eyes. I hope an open adoption would be healthier for our child. But I am open to whatever our birth mother chooses.

4) How do your families feel about adoption? Friends? Do you have an adoption support group to turn to during the wait and beyond?

Our families are so excited - it's the first grandbaby on either side! Like I said above, adoption has always been a hope of mine, so our adoption plans didn't come as a surprise to my parents. D's parents were completely on board as well. D's older brother is gay so adoption is going to be in his path to fatherhood. Because of that, I think his parents have always been open to the idea. For the most part, our friends have been super supportive. I have one close friend though who struggles with anxiety issues. Anything out of the norm for her is difficult to deal with so I'm a little worried about her reactions as we move on in the process. Although, to be fair, she has been pregnant our entire process, so I'm going to give her a little leeway. I haven't found any adoption support groups, but because we haven't struggled with infertility and adoption is our first choice, the wait hasn't been difficult yet. I use my blog as my own support system when I need it.

5) What are the ways that you're actively working to adopt a baby? Just an agency? Are you doing other things?

We've just recently started taking an active role in our adoption journey. I'm hesitant to find a mother on our own because I never want her to feel obligated to make a choice because of a relationship we've built. I want her to be sure of her choice and be sure it's what's best for her. We made our adoption Facebook official on November 1, for the start of National Adoption Month. We started a blog separate from this where we have more about us and our lives. We've been pushing that on Facebook, but that's about the extent of our activity. We're not in any rush and we know when it happens, it will happen.

6) Is the adoption process what you were expecting? What expectations do you have for the future?

No, but because I didn't have any expectations really. I didn't know what to expect. As far as the future, I expect that we'll have some struggles, that I eventually my patience will wear thin, but that everything will work out the way it's supposed to.

7) What are your biggest fears (in relation to adoption)?

That NFL allegiance is genetic and our baby will be a Cowboys fan. But seriously, I fear the relationship our child's birth mother. By that, I mean I'm fearful that the relationship won't work for her, the child, or us for some reason. I don't want anyone to be hurt, but I want to protect her and our child the most. I fear the loss of control and not knowing what is coming. I fear being given an opportunity that isn't right for us and not having the strength to say no. I fear we won't do an adequate job of helping our child deal with the emotional issues related to adoption.

8) Lastly, what advice would you give to someone just starting the adoption process? What do you wish you knew now that you're already in the waiting stage?

That it is not for the faint of heart. It's not as easy as getting pregnant is for others. That you'll see teenagers pushing strollers around at the grocery store like it's a game and it will make you want to scream. I'm glad I didn't come into the process with any expectations. I've enjoyed going through the process for the most part and I think it's changed me and us as a couple. I don't think there's anything that I know now that I wish I would have known then. Except that during the home study, they really don't come in with a white glove. She didn't open any closets or look under any beds. But it gave us a really good excuse to clean our house.

I hope you've enjoyed getting to know J and will follow her blog to keep up with their adoption journey!!

Adoption Blogger Interview Project 2012

What is the Adoption Blogger Interview Project? It was created by Heather Schade and she hosts the interview project, and she's also the amazing creator of the Open Adoption Roundtable. I've participated in the OAR many times and have my posts available on the tab to the right. Heather gives bloggers of adoption (all sides) a chance to interact, read each other's blogs, and through awesome projects like this one, a chance to dig deeper and discover more about adoption.

Last year, I saw all the interviews posted and I was so bummed that I missed out on the chance to participate. When I saw that Heather was taking names for participants, I eagerly signed up!! 

I was matched with Lisa, aka Mommy Squared from Our Journey to Parenthood and the Years that Follow. I hope you'll check out her blog and read about her AMAZING family. I have thoroughly enjoyed getting to know Lisa and her family through reading about their adoptions, and through my interview with her. They have a great story to tell, and one that all in the adoption community would enjoy. I've learned a lot and plan to continue the friendship that she and I have created through this project.

Enjoy and check her out!!!

1) You've recently blogged about the feelings that come with both girls being old enough to know when they are having a visit with their birth mother, and how it hurts when it's not their visit. Do you have any advice for adoptive parents looking to having two open adoptions?

 

We too wondered when we wanted to add to our family how we would balance ourselves between another family?

Yes as they've gotten older particularly with our 6 year old right now there has been upsetment with not seeing her family at the same time as we see our younger daughters family.  We explain to her that it's okay to be upset and we understand she is upset but with geography our visits with her family have to be more planned because of travel like seeing other family that lives far from us.  Honesty has been our best policy when talking with our girls.

 

How do you manage two sets of birth families and the emotions and feelings that come for each of your girls when the other's family visits?

 

We've always allowed our girl the place to have their feelings whether related to their stories or other things.  We sit the one down who is showing any variety of emotions and talk to them about their feelings and allowing them their feelings and their space.  In both cases each of our girls birth mothers and their families see and treat each girl equally so usually there is not too much upsetment other than why am I not seeing so and so right now.  IN addition we've started skyping 2-3x a month with Cristina for she and Ally to erase the miles between them as much as possible.  It has helped a lot and even made the in-person visits easier because their continued closeness with skype throughout the year!

 

2) Both of your adoptions seemed to be flawless and absolutely amazing. Were you ever afraid (with either adoption) of having a failed match/failed adoption? Your blog entries during the times leading up to Ally's adoption never discussed any fears, and your posts about Jess's birth didn't either. I'm just curious if you were always confident about the adoptions happening, or if there was doubt and fear present for either/both.

 

I guess we may have seemed overconfident when I posted during the journey to our first child.  Maybe because we 'met' her birth mother when she found us through our website and she was only 8 weeks pregnant.  Geographically we lived miles and miles apart and the professionals guiding all of us had instructed us to start a relationship this early on as much could happen along the way.  Our daughter's birth mother confidence in her decision making buoyed our confidence in the process.  I think when we arrived in MN for the baby' birth seven month later, we knew there was still a lot to go and anything could happen ... but we put our trust in the fact that whatever was going to be was going to be and we did not have any control over it.

 

When adding to our family with a second child we had a completely different journey in that we met Stefanie 10 days before she had her baby.  That was not enough time for us to feel confident that she felt confident in a decision she was considering at the very end of her pregnancy.  Our heads told us and we told her that she needed time after the baby was born to parent and rethink what she wanted to do.  We had been told by the professional guiding us that a last minute situation has a 50/50 chance for placement.  My husband and I had adopted before and believed in our family and the process and like before we had no control other than to be who we were.  SO after the baby was born we shared parenting with our daughter's birthmom for her to have time to get to know us more and to think more about what her choice would be and that gave her another month in deciding what she would do.  With her counselor they came up with a transition plan that would start to give us more days with the baby as her day became less.  This was a tenuous time for us while parenting a two-year old but it was something we knew needed to happen for any decision to be clear.  Our only concern at that time was for our older daughter not to create too much attachment if the baby was not placed with us. 

 

So you see we had two very different adoption placements into our family ... one where we had a lot of time to begin to create our relationship and another where the relationship building came after the baby was born and although in both situations we appeared confident we didn't always feel so confident just believed in the process.

 

3) Ellen was such a wonderful support for you guys before, during, and after your adoptions. How did you find her? How did you come to decide that adoption was the route you'd take to create your family?

 

Funnily enough, I found Ellen during an internet search for pre-adoption support.  In speaking with her the first time for over 90 minutes (yes that has stuck with me!) I realized she was someone to know and meet and hear more about.  Unbeknown to us she was/is a well respected adoption professional in the field having 30+ years of experience facilitating very open adoptions.  When attending one of her potluck meetings we felt we had found a kin with the group of clients who were just like us and so we knew we were moving in the right direction.

 

When we married I was a bit older and so we knew there may be more to it than just having a baby and in our early family planning thought we may adopt in the future.  So after the fertility treatments that didn't work in the end we moved plan "B" to plan "A" and realized for us it was about becoming Mommy & Daddy and it didn't have to be through pregnancy.  SO when we turned that corner we got busy researching and seeking as much information about adoption as one can ... (we are researchers and readers which can be a plus and minus).

 

4) I didn't see any entries for 2008 (when Jess was born), so I'm curious about how you came to the decision to adopt again. How old was Ally when you and Tim decided to pursue adoption again? Did you find the second time to be easier or more difficult (getting prepared) than the first?

 

Yeah that reminds me to finish moving over my Yahoo360 blog over to my blogspot.  You see I started to move our blog over than I got involved with current posts and didn't finish moving everything over.  Initially when we married we spoke about having at least 2 children as both of us each have a sibling.  SO when adoption became our way to have our family we knew we would adopt two times unless somehow twins came to us in the process.

 

We had starts and stops on our second journey not because we didn't want to adopt again but our drive for a child was at a different pace then the first time.  We contacted our agency in 2007 to update our homestudy and didn't finalize that part of the process till February 2008.  Then we didn't resign or announce our intent to add to our family with Ellen and our family until late June of 2008 and then we met Stef in early August.  I think the more difficult part of our second adoption is that it happened so quickly and we weren't there yet we expected it would take longer since we already had a child.  We believed in the process so were a little more confident believe it or not when embarking on adding to our family :)

 

5) How did you prepare Ally for the arrival of Jess? I know your one post explained that it was a very short time between being presented to Stephanie and Jess's birth, but did you talk to Ally about adopting a sibling? How did she react to becoming a big sister? How did Cristina react when you told her about your plans to adopt again? Do you think she has even been jealous that Stephanie is so close to you guys, and she's in Minnesota?

 

We found a great book "Big Sister" by Johanna Cole (there is a big brother book too) that we began to read to Ally early on before we even completed paperwork to adopt again.  What we liked about this book is it did not have Mommy pregnancy stuff in it, it focused more on what it would be like as the big sister with a new baby in the house.  Ally was only just two when we met Stef and Jess was born so her true understanding of it all was pretty limited because of her age.  In some ways we believe it made it easier for us to be in a last minute situation a she didn't have the understanding of what a baby in belly was and what adoption was at that time.  All the same we wanted her to have an idea of what being a big sister would be like when a baby came into our family.

 

When our plans were in place we announced to the world (ha, ha) that we would be adoptin again and that included Cristina and her family.  Everyone was excited for us and we knew Cristina would be a great help to us in that our relationship with her would guide us into our next relationship.

 

When we met Stefanie and her family we made it clear we were a package ... Tim, Me & Ally are a unit and adding Stefanie's baby was their grandchild but so would be Ally.  With that we had also told Ally's birth mother and her grandparents that another child added to our family would be their grandchild too.  So we set the stage that we are all one family.  

 

6) Do you plan to adopt again? If so, do you plan on going through Ellen again?

 

For a nano-second this year we thought about a third and had a situation that may have brought us that third child but the mom chose to parent.  Ellen was actively involved with us and the woman in that situation.  Should we ever add to our family we would DEFINITELY go back and work with Ellen she is a wonderful, wise woman with much integrity for the process and all involved.

 

7) I read that Stephanie kept Jess for the first five days. Was this hard on you and Tim? Were you guys ever afraid that she'd change her mind?

 

As I explained before we wanted her to have time to think about her choice and wanted her to have that time with her baby as we believed only knowing us for 10 days was not enough for us to have her make that kind of decision.  Our heads were strong in keeping that train of thought but our hearts were weak but we realized when we shared our parenting that in dropping Jess off to be with Stef that the grief we felt was only a milli piece of what her grief may be should she choose us to be the baby's parents and so that was how we lived through it.  Stefanies' deciding to parent would have been her choice to make and we knew it was something that could happen but nothing we could do about it so we lived with our whatever will be will be feelings.

 

8) What's the best adoption-related advice that you've ever been given?

 

Let your control of it go ... This is a journey that is hard, it tests you but you do become a parent in the end but you have no control on how it happens for the big things so you have to learn to let go.

 

9) If you could go back in time and change one things about each of your adoptions (it can even be to go back and tell yourself something), what would it be?

 

Hmmm, that it's okay for us to show our happiness and our sadness with birthfamily.  We are all human and we should revel in our human emotions as long as they are not malicious in intent.

 

10) What are your hopes for 2013?

 

Trying not to completely fall apart when our youngest, Jess is registered for and then enters kindergarten for the 2013-2014 school year.  To celebrate family more and more.  Enjoy the moments I have with my girls and not get too tied up in something I think they shouldn't be doing as long as it is not harmful to any of us!