Monday, July 24, 2006

Music: "Pictures of You" by the Cure
Mood: Nostalgic

So Steve left this morning for Mexico. He'll be gone tonight through late Wednesday night. He arrives in Mexico City and then takes a two hour+ bus ride to the hotel where he's staying. He called a little while ago to tell me that he arrived safely, but got sick on the bus and ended up throwing up. I can only imagine how much that sucks... to be in a foreign place and be sick to your stomach on public transportation.

After coming home from the airport I decided to clean the closet out. I cleared all my jeans and pants off the drawer thingys and then I put stuff into two piles. One is for Purple Heart and one is for my mom. If she doesn't want the clothes she can just give them away. I hung up all my jeans and pants (I usually just fold them and keep 'em in piles) and that made a lot more room. Then I put my shoes on the new shoe racks that Steve bought me from Target. Looks even better! Then I went through all of my clothes and got rid of all the stuff that either doesn't fit anymore or I just never wear. I had four garbage bags of clothes!

After that I took a shower (I got really hot and sweaty working and cleaning) and then I drove to Bray's (BAD IDEA) and had a greasy lunch. It kinda made me sick to my stomach so I've been drinking water all afternoon trying to make myself feel better. My new social security card came with my new name on it!! YAY!!! I can go back to Lincoln and get all official now!!

I got a call from Emily Hicks yesterday... she called to see if I knew that Karen Burda (the custodian at Childs) died. I knew that she was in an accident (the district sent an e-mail about it) but I didn't hear that she died. It made me really really sad. I really liked her and always talked to her when she was cleaning my room. She was in our wing and I think everyone loved her. She ended up losing her job in November, then got rehired over at the middle school, but I would see her every now and then. I used to talk to her after school everyday and she knew about Steve and the wedding and she was always so nice. She was so young too... it's so very very sad. I think I'm going to go to the funeral with Emily on Wednesday. :(

So as I was sitting here listening to my music today I realized that there are certain songs that take me immediately to a place in my life in the past. It's incredible to think that something as simple as a song can have so much weight on the memory... but it does. The song "I can't make you love me" by Bonnie Raitt came on and it immediately took me back to June 2, 2002. It was my one year anniversary day... Andy and I had gone to Grand Rapids for the weekend to celebrate. Our marriage was at a BAD BAD spot due to his ongoing relationship with Angie. The mood on the way to Grand Rapids was bad simply because he had told me that someone at his work had pranked Angie and said, "Honey this is Andrew... don't forget to bring home the milk." He told me this and I said, "If there's nothing going on between the two of you, why would people at work be pranking her with things like that?" He got very defensive and said that I didn't know what I was talking about and neither did the people he worked with.

We also went to see BLAST! (a musical thing like Stomp) and I remember half way through the thing I started crying. I was just so sad... I KNEW that it would be the last event that I'd ever go to with him and it killed me. We went golfing on our way home at the Thornapple Course (it was amazing) but he was smoking cigars and drinking... which seriously caused me to wonder who the hell I was with. He had changed so dramatically. From suddenly wearing glasses to highlighting his hair... changing the way he dressed, working out and tanning...and the biggies drinking and smoking.

So we were driving home in silence from golfing and the song, "I Can't Make You Love Me"- by Bonnie Raitt came on the radio and I'll never forget how clear the words were. It was like nothing else... and I remember just sitting there as we drove home with tears streaming down my face... because I had realized that it was over. No matter how hard I fought it... it was over and I had no control over it.

Another song that takes me back is "Nineteen Somthing" by Mark Wills. I had met Steve online and we talked and e-mailed for about a month before deciding to actually meet. We both wanted a companion for attending mass so we decided that our first date would start with us going to mass together. I remember so clearly how I felt driving to his apartment... and then getting lost! I had to call him because I had no idea where I was going, and he calmly directed me to his place. I remember thinking he was so cute and so tall!! Anyway, we got in his car to drive to mass and on the way there, the song, "Nineteen Something" by Mark Wills came on the radio and I remember telling him that I liked the song. Don't ask why I remember that moment... but for some reason I do and whenever I hear the song it makes me think of our first date!!

I was driving to Bray's this afternoon and on my way the song, "Hey Jude" by the Beatles came on. I instantly started crying. When my Grandma Burney passed away (November 1, 2004) it was expected but came out of nowhere and just really shook everyone up. It was so sad and I remember my mom asking if I wanted to write something for her euology and I said I would. My older brother Dave wrote something as did my twin brother Scott. Dave's was read first, then mine, and Scott's was read. At the end of what he had written, he dedicated the song, "Hey Jude" to her and to this day, when I hear that song I instantly think of my Grandma Burney. I miss her so much... and I miss my Grandma Ghrist. She passed three months later (February 2005) and it was just too much. At least the two of them were united at last... but it was still really really hard to go through losing both of them. Steve's mom passed away this last January and though I wasn't close to her, it was still very difficult to watch her passing. At the viewing his brother and sister-in-law had made a memorial video and they used Beatles songs throughout it... and now whenever I hear the song, "Yesterday" I think of his mom.

Ahhhh... anyway-- now that I'm crying and all emotional and upset I am going to close. I'm about to start my period so I'm super emotional anyway-- and this doesn't help things!!



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