Every now and again, Hugh will wake up in the middle of the night crying. If I'm still awake and on my computer, I usually go up to see what's going on. If I'm asleep, Steve wakes and goes up. It's not very often that this happens, but when it does and I'm the one that goes up, I get very emotional.
In the still of the darkness, I hold my baby and he snuggles into me and rests his head on my left shoulder. The crying stops immediately and he is instantly comforted by my presence. The enormity of this never fails me, and as I sway back and forth rocking him, my mind always goes back to when he was just a tiny little baby.
While rocking and remembering, I am always brought to tears. I wish I could freeze time. I can't even put to words how painful it is to know that time is fleeting and soon, my boys will be big kids and then teens and then on their own. The thought scares me and makes me incredibly sad. While yes, a part of me loves seeing them grow and develop into their own unique people, it's hard; incredibly, terribly hard.
Gus starts school on August 11th. Less than a month from now, he'll be in school five days a week and gone from 7am-3pm (if not more, due to the bus schedule). The thought of only seeing him for three-four hours a day KILLS me inside. Like, there's part of me that physically hurts when I think about the separation from him.
Yesterday, we took the baby lock off Gus's door. Up until now, since he's in a big boy bed and can get in and out of it freely (meaning, not in a crib anymore). We put a child lock on his inside door so that he couldn't open the door and go exploring, and to keep him safe, since we do have stairs that he could fall down in the dark.
Steve and I talked about it and decided that he was ready for a bit more freedom and responsibility. We explained to him that he is not to go into Hugh's room unless the door is open (we always leave it closed when he's in there). He is not to come downstairs unless it's light outside. We told him he could open it to go potty if he needed.
So far, he's gone in and stayed there. He did wake up dry this morning, so I suspect he went to the potty in the middle of the night, but I'm not 100% sure of this.
To top everything off, today I went through Hugh's closet and his baby clothes. I was okay until some of my favorite outfits of Gus's that Hugh also wore were staring me in the face. Seeing some of these clothes, brought back memories of each boy wearing them, and caused a flood of emotions and ugly crying. Seriously. I am not ready for these two boys to grow up and I feel this nagging inside me for another baby. Steve is so not in favor of more kids, as he doesn't feel like he has the patience for a baby. I just can't shake it, and it makes me very emotional and upset to think that there won't be another baby in my house. I know some people get to a point and they feel content and happy and satisfied with the number of children in their home, and they come to terms with it and enjoy watching their kids grow up. I'm not at that point. In my mind, I feel like there's one more that's missing. It's a feeling that I can't shake, and while it doesn't make any sense, it's there. To keep me humble and give me a big fat reality check about the stage of parenting that we're in right now, God helped me realize that my boys ARE still young. We went to see Planes Fire & Rescue and Gus was SUPER excited to go.
We arrived for the 12:45 show and got some popcorn and got settled into our seats.
We made it to about 1:45 before Hugh got REALLY restless and started screaming during the movie. Not screams like he was upset... I mean shrieks... and every 30 seconds or so, just enough to be SUPER annoying and obnoxious. I tried to let him walk around a bit, but the, Gus wanted in on the "fun" and the two of them were chasing each other in the dark. I could feel all the eyes from the people in the seats watching and judging me, so I told Steve I was going to take Hugh to the car. At this, Gus decided he wanted to come with me. So we ended up leaving the movie before it was even 1/2 way over. BOO.
Not even 10 minutes in the car, and I looked back and saw this sight:
So, we're not ready for movies yet. While part of me was annoyed that we spent a bunch of money for a movie, I feel a little happy to know that I DO still have two small boys that are not quite ready for the big movie theater. I'm okay with that.
My blog that's specifically about open adoption and how our family came to be complete.
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I'm Cathy and I'm a former elementary teacher turned SAHM. This blog has grown and evolved through the years to be my sounding board, then a place to share my thoughts, fears, and celebrations, and then where I post pictures and practice my photography skills. I blog about daily happenings. To read more about my family and how we're connected to open adoption, please follow our family blog: A Completed Family.