I just need to vent and this is where I do it. It's my blog, my place to write my thoughts and feelings, and I'm kind enough to allow others to read my words. :-) (Do you like that spin??)
I thought it'd get easier to deal with infertility as I got older. You know, passing 35, where it now becomes "risky" to carry a baby. Assuming I was 100% healthy, it's still risky after age 35, so any extra pounds only add to the risk.
Enough about that... I just thought it'd get easier to "deal" with things. I have my moments where I'm content. But then I see Facebook posts and start reading about everyone and their brother announcing their pregnancies and it's like a viscous cycle starts over again.
I love Gus. I know that had I been able to get pregnant, he would not be in my life. I know God works things as planned in His divine wisdom, but it still hurts.
The fact that friends that were in the "we can't get pregnant" camp with me years ago... have had not just one baby, but numerous friends are on their second and third child. So much for that "can't get pregnant" BS.
So when does it stop hurting? When will I hear of someone announcing a pregnancy and not have the immediate reaction of bitterness and sadness? Why can't I be happy for others instead of sad at what I don't have?
And to make it all even weirder... I don't even know if I'd ever WANT to be pregnant. I have never had the desire to deliver a baby (I've always had a fear that I'd die during childbirth)... no desire to breastfeed, and no desire to be completely uncomfortable for multiple months straight. No desire to be poked with needles for blood work, or do the Glucose test and all that stuff. There are two things about pregnancy that I am extremely jealous of... and I suppose are the root to my deep feelings of sadness and that's 1) knowing what it feels like to have a baby inside me and 2) having a child that shares its genetics with me and Steve. I'd love to see what we would make together.
So why does it still bother me so much? Why do I still cry when I think about never having a biological child? Maybe it's because I'm whacked in the head. I don't know. I feel like I've been grieving this loss of fertility for YEARS and it's not going away.
Seriously, when I hear of someone announcing that they're pregnant, I become so instantly judgmental. As if they don't have the right to be pregnant because I can't get pregnant. How absurd is that?!?
I don't know... I feel like I'm the only one out there who feels like this. And yet, to make it even harder, I feel even worse having these feelings while being Gus's mom. Am I entitled to still grieve even though my prayers of a child were answered? How seriously messed up is that???
I pray for peace and for God to seriously take the pain away. I'm done with it, done crying, and want to just let it all go. Having a baby just isn't in the cards for me... I mean there are worst things that could happen to me. Right? I mean all my life, my biggest fear has been not being able to be a mom. While adoption has allowed me to side-step that one, it's still like the biggest fear coming true.
And to think of possibly starting the adoption process again... I don't know. As much as I DO want another child, I don't know if I'm ready for the pain and stress that comes with adoption.
If you've never adopted a child... it's not easy. Some things that we had to go through to adopt Gus include:
- Criminal Record check
- Fingerprinting with the SBI (State Bureau of Investigation)
- Health Screening (height/weight/overall health/blood pressure)
- Answering questions about our faith, including when we came to accept Jesus Christ as our Savior, how we'd define our relationship with God, and how we plan on raising our child in our religious faith
- Answering questions about our childhood, our parents, our siblings, our friends, our jobs, our divorces, our struggles with infertility, and other personal questions that are so gut-wrenching hard to answer
- Classes on adoption (we had to take four)
- Weekend retreats about adoption
- Answering questions about what we would accept as a child (so absolutely difficult to answer-- there are so many "what ifs" that you can't include in your answers)
- Answering personal questions about our finances and how we'll be able to afford a baby
- Answering questions about how much EXTRA money we'd be willing to pay to support a birth mother... knowing that if we said X amount and she wanted/needed X+1 we were excluded from her ever seeing our profile
- Creating a profile book to "sell" ourselves as parents and the stress of picking just the right pictures and saying just the right words
- Writing a "Dear Expectant Mother/Family" letter and agonizing over the wording, and rewriting countless times because it didn't have the right "feel" that we wanted
- The fear of being matched and having it fall through
- Being there for a baby being born and fearing that the mother would choose to parent days/weeks after temporary placement
It's a lot to take in. I don't know if I'm ready... financially we are NOT ready, but emotionally, I'm not sure either. We now have a sweet angel baby to consider in the process as well... before if we got hurt, it was just us. Now, if something goes wrong, Gus is included in the hurt and disappointment and I'm not sure if I'm ready for that.
So I don't know... maybe I just needed to bitch and complain and it'll be better tomorrow. I'm hoping so anyway.